Black Friday Put Me in the Hospital

It's all fun and games until 4300 inbreds trample over you trying to get a no-name flat screen for $250 dollars.  As I lie on the floor watching Nikes and fuzzy bunny slippers step on my face,  I see an elderly lady go down 3 feet from me.  I immediately grab her..... and use her for cover.  After the first wave had passed, I belly-crawled my way to $35 tablets only to discover that the ones they had in their ad were in limited supply and that the 3 they had disappeared an hour ago. (Belly-crawling through ###-mart takes awhile.)  Needless to say I'm a little disappointed and I'm pretty sure both of my legs are broken.  So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I found a shopping cart and carted myself over to sporting goods. ( I made pretty good time).  Only to be told of a mandatory waiting period.  Whatever that is?  Then I came up with a brilliant idea.  I decided to shopping in other people's carts.  I found everything I wanted including three $35 tablets.  While I was paying after waiting in the check-out lane for 1 1/2 hours, I noticed a small crowd growing around the service desk.  I thought to myself that I better cart myself out of there quickly.  I had made to the car when I heard the sirens.  I loaded my loot into the trunk and when I started the car I realized that maybe my legs weren't broken after all.  (Thank God for that old lady protecting me)  I hit the gas to get out of there.  Then it happened.  The old lady who had protected me was in the meat-wagon, whom they claim had the right-of-way.  Whatever that is?   I later awake in room 305 with tubes in me,  handcuffed to the bed and 3 police officers surrounding me.  They informed me that I "had totaled a Good Samaritan Ambulance, a street light, and my own car.  When I ask about the contents of the trunk, they all laughed.  Apparently after impact, my loot went flying and landed in front of the Ryans Restaurant.  The one hundred 450 pound patrons and witnesses to crash, all hobbled out and collected all of the goods and placed them in a "safe place" never to be seen again.  I'm told that my only charge is failing to yield the right-of-way to emergency vehicle but the elderly lady, who had survived with only minor injuries, was not happy with me.  Her attorney has since contacted me.  My injuries turned out to be no more than a slight concussion.  FMLA here I come.  Woohooo.