When Life Throws You a Hospital Gown...

*Based on true events

 We had just got home from taking a one kid to the doctor and the pharmacy and grabbing burgers for the rest of the clan, when we are informed that the little one is sick in our bed.  A pathetic looking specimen did indeed lie in our bed, burning with fever and the breath of ten dead dragons.  What are parents to do?  That's right.  Sit down and eat our burgers.  After clogging 2 more arteries, we were off to the after hours clinic.  After seeing the doctor, we begin to leave the clinic. I saw an ex co-worker and I stopped to chat.  Then I headed out the door only to barely make it past the threshold, when I get covered, exorcist style.  As I'm trying to figure out what just happened, the second wave gets sent in.   I inform Gretchen what has happened and she disappears back inside.  Meanwhile, I make my way to car removing my shirt as a I go.  I leave the shirt in the car and go back to where I left Gracie.  I take her cup of water and wash away the thick slime from the sidewalk.  All-the-while I'm walking around shirtless.  20 years ago it wouldn't have been a problem,  but as I creep towards forty years old and have let my body somehow expand, it's not a site anyone would really want to see. (since it's Louisiana most probably thought nothing of a shirtless male walking around in public)  I take Gracie to car and Gretchen arrives with Dr. McDreamy (now I really feel bad about this body) and they have a bucket for Gracie and a hospital gown for me.  A hospital gown?  It was either really thoughtful or a really nice way to say please cover that extremely white, overweight torso up with this even more hideous gown, I'm not quite sure which one it was.  Anyway, we load up and leave on our way to ***greens.  At ***greens, Gracie refuses to stay in the car with me and insists she goes inside with her mom.  Fine with me.  Last thing I want to do is get her worked up and get slimed again.  I didn't want to go in because of my attire but after sitting in the car for 20 minutes and watching many of our finest citizens argue over which ***box movie to rent I went in. 

Just as I thought, the stares began immediately.  But I had a plan....I'd go with it.  So, I began telling myself aloud "They're not looking at us, They're not looking at us."  I continue on my journey.  I stop and look at the tourist trap tee-shirts but x-small and 4x large wasn't going to work.  As I begin to walk, a male employee appears and ask if he can help me.  I respond "No, we are just looking."  The guy stares back at me and I walk on.  And thus began the game of follow the leader throughout the store.  My shadow was never more than the end of the aisle away from me.  I see Gretchen and I walk up to her and loudly say "HELLO, PRETTY LADY!" ( a quote from a rather interesting fellow back home) She looks at me and knew immediately what was going on.  I lean in to her ear and whisper "Apparently I look suspicious"  I stand back and Gretchen looks right at me and yells "NO!  I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS ARE!"  Three seconds later my shadow is by my side asking me "Not to bother the other patrons."  "Sorry. Sorry" I respond.  Then I say to myself "See, I told you not to ask her."  My shadow then says, "Sir, the condoms are over here."  I walk over to where he points.  I then begin to giggle and laugh.  At this time, my shadow has had enough and asks me to leave.  I tell him "We're not finished shopping yet" and that "we still need hemorrhoid cream and a knife sharpener."  He prompts retorts, "Sir either leave or I'm calling the police."  "Okay, okay, we are leaving."  I start to walk and then I stop and from a distance yell at Gretchen "HEY PRETTY LADY!  CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?"  My shadows tells another employee to call the police.  I figure it's time for me to go.  I scurry out of the store.  I turned to look and my shadow was standing at the door making sure I left.  I went down the block a ways and looked back again and he was gone.  I walked back up the other side of the building and got in my car.  A squad car arrived about 5 minutes later.  I decided I'd better get behind the tinted window.  I watched as my shadow met the cop at the door and  animatedly described me and my production.  He then pointed in the direction that I had went.  The cop got in his car and sped off in that direction.  About that time Gretchen and Gracie came out.  Gracie had been in the bathroom and missed the whole thing.  Gretchen meanwhile had been apologized to several times by several employees.  And when she got in the car, we both burst out into laughter.  We had just made up for a very tiring evening and we were now both in very good moods.  So when life throws you a hospital gown....just have fun with it.


PS:  The hospital gown can also be used for a game of Naughty Nurse and the Sponge Bath.  However, Gretchen wanted no part in wearing the gown.  (see what I did there:-)