Monday, March 25, 2013

The Writing is on the Wall

The other day I have the pleasant experience of visiting several public restrooms.  As I sat and pondered life, I read some of the poetic ramblings scribbled on the stall.  This made me think some of my favorites penned by the anonymous.  Here they are:(WARNING: The following will contain adult language, if you think that you be offended; STOP reading now!)

Here I sit all broken-hearted, I came to shit but only farted.
(extended version)  I 'm late for work no time to linger look out asshole here comes the finger

Why are you looking here?  The joke is in your hand.

Poop wuz here

I came for awhile to sit and shit but now feel so tired and dirty just waiting on 5:30

He who writes upon these walls
Rolls his shit in little balls
He who reads this clever wit
Eats those little balls of shit
And my favorite of all time:
Why did Mickey Mouse dump Minnie Mouse?  Because she was fucking goofy!
Got any good ones?  Leave them in the comments. 

PS:  The strangest thing that I've ever seen in a bathroom stall was on the door.  It was a "Booger Dart Board"  and apparently, it was extremely popular.  

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Two-Time Champ

I recently received noticed that I has won again.  No prize money, just the honor of being the best for the week.  The award was given by Kate from Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine ...with my morning quiet time.  I had won two weeks ago but missed last weeks. (I will explain why later)
So I added it to my trophy case on the side.  Please visit her site, it is so very good. (so jealous)  Anyway her "Caption This" photos are very funny and we do our best to make funny captions.  I actually started doing these first on Brett Minor's blog The Transformed Non-ConformistBrett, however, does not award winners, which I am fine with.  To name a winner or not is a tough call.  If you do name winner, there is some pride and promotion that come with it.  But, if a winner is not named, then no feelings are hurt and everyone has fun.   I'm good with either.  By the way Brett's blog is very good as well.  You can see all the past photos and their captions on both sites.

Kate even made the following from her picture and my caption and posted it to Pinterst:

I really enjoy these.  It plays to my specialty.  Quick Wit. I have always entertained family, friends and co-workers with it.   I believe it's my one true talent given by God.  Oh, I'm good at other things but being quick and making people laugh...that's what I do.  Thanks to Kate and Brett for allowing  me to use my talents.  I look forward to next week's photos.

PS: The reason I missed a week in Kate's competition was that I looked at the wrong picture.  When you visit her page you will see that she has a "Team Oasis" photo.  Somehow, I pulled that picture up as the "Caption This" photo.  I don't know how.  I'm an idiot sometimes.  Anyway, I couldn't find anything funny about it so I didn't participate.  Had I saw the correct picture, maybe I'd be sitting here as a three-peat champ.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Mocking Mocks

So "Jordan" and I have been waisting our time doing research for our upcoming fantasy baseball draft.  I know "fantasy baseball."  It's okay I feel the same way.  The last time I tried it was about 15 years ago and I made it to mid June before I was done.  This time, it's more of a competition between "Jordan" and myself. (no more quote marks, you get it's not his real name, I hope).

Now by research, what I mean is that we do mock drafts.  Basically they are fake drafts.  People do them different reasons:  see where players may fall, see what players are valued by others etc...

Jordan and I do it those reasons but more than that we do it to talk smack to others mockees.  Some people take this shit way to seriously.  The following are some of the quotes that have the some of the aforementioned mockees a little upset and some down right after our necks.

Ryan Braun is our favorite target.  Braun has been mentioned in PED discussions and Jordan and I have been all over him.

Jordan starts it off by naming his team "Braun's Back Pimples" ( a symptom of steroids)  Then:

Me:  He deserves a 50 game vaca.
J:  Make it 75.
Me:  Yeah, 75 games. One for each whitehead.
J: Once he is clean, his batting average is going to go down faster than Miss Teen Delaware.

About this time, others start to make comments as to our intent.   We ignore them.

Me:  I heard he has more whiteheads than a Klan rally.
J:  Yup, he's not allowed to take his shirt anymore unless he's in Mississippi.
Me:  I heard one whitehead was as big as Barry Bonds' head.
J:  I heard that when they popped it Mark McGwire fell out.

Now at this point we are either being called @#$%$%^%$ idiots ( ESPN blocks all curse words) or we are being ignored.

J:  Tough crowd
Me:  Yeah, I've seen less stiffs at a Viagra convention.
Me:  I heard Braun wanted to be in Milwaukee's sausage race but since he shrank his he was DQ'd.
J:  Yup, that Vienna sausage wouldn't have faired well anyway.
Me:  Braun is so dirty that he had Lance Armstrong pee for him.

More name calling follows. Some people drop out of the draft.

We move on to Oscar Pistorius  "The Blade Runner"

J:  I wonder if the Blade Runner's case has any legs.
Me:  I don't know.  I heard he was knee deep in blood.
J:  That's the most interesting thing that ever happened to a cricket bat.
Me:  Yup, she shouldn't have bought him Valentine's Day socks.

And with that, a full verbal assault has now commenced.

Now we don't spend all of our time ripping people.  We'll spend a good amount of time on quoting random baseball movies.  I figure most people don't get it or us but normally I'm wiping tears from my eyes because of laughing so hard.  It's just another competition to one up the other.  The above is just a small sampling.  Any day I expect an cease and desist from ESPN but none has come as of yet.