Thursday, June 28, 2012

Getting to Know Me

Getting to know me is not an easy task.  Most people, who first meet me, think that I am some shy quiet guy.  So if you only see me once or very rarely then you have no idea who I am.  It's funny how people act when they think that you are prim and proper.  And then you drop a bomb on them.  I usually say some off the wall stuff.  Mostly one-liners meant to catch you off guard and crack you.  I succeed most of the time.  But there are times when I hear the crickets chirp.  When people are first getting to know me and I crack my first joke, the recipient normally looks at me in shock.  It takes few jokes for them to loosen up around me.  I'm not sure what gives them the impression that I'm so square.  I know I speak differently than most.  I try to use vocabulary.  Also, when I do things I'm all in.  I don't half-ass anything.  Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think I'm snobbish.  I'm not.  I just have things to do and I prefer to get them done.   My whole working life people have told me to "smile" or that I look "mad".  Huh? I usually focused on my task.  I think my mouth sits a certain way and people perceive it as a frown.  I have tried to explain this to people but they don't buy it.  I think "Whatever.  Have another energy drink and go back to wherever from which you came."  When people are around me enough, I think they find me as quick-witted and are now shocked when I don't have a quick quip to give.
I enjoy making people laugh.  It is part of my make-up.  In a prior blog I mentioned the Simon Birch story.  I didn't tell the story because it didn't work in that blog but here it will show you how part of my brain works.  I was watching the movie, Simon Birch with Grechen, Shawn and Jennifer some years ago.  Towards the end, young Simon dies leaving his friend behind.  It was at his point that Gretchen and Jennifer are bawling over this movie.  And then I chime in with "Well, now he can boink the mother."  (yes I know inappropiate but still funny).  And that one line has become legend.  It's like the scrawny short kid hitting a homerun in the playoffs.  Oh wait.  That was me too.   You know it's a legendary line, when during any movie, someone will quote it.  I wish I had a recording of the reaction.  Two grown women crying over a movie and then an uncaring heartless man spurts something out that changed the atmosphere.  Priceless!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Exclusive Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev Interview

Due to advance wormhole technology In Shane's Brain and Big Kev's View are proud to present the following Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev interview.

ISB:  Big Kev, thanks for joining us.  If you don't mind, will will put that huge bottle of ketchup away.

PABK:  Huh?  Oh, sorry about that.  I woke up with ketchup in the right hand and this meat tenderizer in the left.

ISB:  I sure hope that's ketchup on that mallet.  All right let's get to it.  Can you briefly describe what you have referred to as the the "Kingdom of Kevin"?

PABK:  The "K.o.K" as well call it...say it....say K.o.K. don't spell it....SAY IT! I make me chuckle (he begins to giggle like a nine year old looking at a National Geographic). I digress. The K.o.K. is the current earth timeline that we enjoy immensely; all of us. You see after the fall of man due to the “Obama-Romney: We Are One” administration, we are rollin' right along with new lifestyles. All the old ways: DOWN THE CRAPPER!

ISB:  Do you miss the old way?

PABK:  Are you kidding me?  I have created a home base that I would call enviable. Ya see, I captured a White Castle, yes, the one with sliders. We, and by we, I mean my slaves, loaded said palace onto 2 flatbeds running side by side, Mad Max style yo and transplanted it on top of a strip club, that we previously placed on top of a US Armory, that sat on an ancient, haunted Indian burial ground.

ISB:  Sounds more like redneck heaven. (I chuckle)

PABK:  (Starts sharpening a meat clever) I’m not sure I heard you correctly.

ISB:  Where the hell did that come from? 

PABK:  Macy’s.  Martha Stewart Collection.

ISB:  (Starting to sweat a bit) Oh. It’s very nice.  Let’s get back to your time.  Tell my readers a little about Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev’s world.

PABK:  I got EVERYTHING I need. I got men for labor and skirmishes, women in the basement for the ba-chicka-wa-wa and ugly people to eat. I…

ISB:  Wait!  Did you say “ugly people to eat?”

PABK:  Yeah,  “uggos” as we call them.  I  acquired Mario Batali to cook my sliders made from the aforementioned uggos. He is a wizard with uggo meat.  Hey, you know what else?

ISB:  I’m afraid to ask.

PABK:  I have a whole plethora of Hollywood actresses down in the hole.

ISB:  Oh, yeah?  How did you accomplish that and is there anyone that I would know?

PABK:  I did a lot of trading and stealing to get at some of them. For example that hot Latin chick from "Modern Family" cost me 5 uggos, 32 gallons of gasoline, a bag of oranges, a toothbrush, and bottle of Wild Irish Rose. Oh, and the price for Kim Kardashia was, The Best of Monty Python Blu-ray, a jar of olives, and the Log Flume and Ninja rides at Six Flags Over St. Louis.

ISB:  Interesting.  What determines a person to be considered “ uggo"? 2 out of 10?  5 out of 10?  And did you start munching on the 1's first?

PABK: today's world anything less than an 8 is a 1. If she ain't at least Jennifer Love-Hewitt it’s grinder time! As for the men they need to be strong, stupid, and subservient. Think guard dog with trigger fingers.

ISB:  Did you start the cannibalism right away or did you wait until meat supply was at zero.

PABK: I knew the food wouldn't last. I figured I’d better jump right in on day one.  So we ate that “four” from the gas station. She didn't really have potential for anything other than meat.  Last week we had theme nights. Chinese on Tuesday and Mexican on Thursday.

We took a break at this point.  I emptied my stomach, brushed my teeth and returned.

ISB:   What happened to my boom boy?  And why is Mario Batali here?

PABK:  I dunno.  Oh, and your boom boy was here a minute ago. (Chewing on a toothpick)

ISB:   Strange.  He has never left an interview before. Anyway, what plans do you have for your future?

PABK: Well, I hope the internet fires back up some day. If it does I have plans for and a site to sell Acura after-market parts. Bling freakin’ bling, dawg!!!

ISB:  Maybe you should trade for Al Gore.  (snickering)

PABK: (There was no response.  He started to twiddle his thumbs, looking the other direction.) 

ISB: Oh.  Uhhh.  Well, before the wormhole closes, is the anything you would like to say to Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev?

PABK:  CARDIO!  Get your cardio up.  Some of the uggos can freakin’ run. 

ISB:  Well tha..

PABK:  Wait.  I’m not done.  Big Kev, whatever you do, don’t, I repeat, don’t, no matter how much he begs; do not leave Murph in charge while you are gone.  It took the palace 3 months to recover after that last fiasco.

ISB:  All-righty then.  Thanks Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev for joining us.  And thanks for the “Beef” and broccoli and Philly “steak” and cheese, but I think I will pass.

PABK:  You don’t know what you’re missin’?

ISB: Ummm... I think I do and you better hurry back home.  I have just received word that Murph has declared himself “Ultimate Supreme Dictator of K.o.K.”

PABK:  Ahhh shit.  Not again.

At this point, Kevin grabbed his snacks and jumped back through the wormhole before it closed.  I then put an ad out for a new boom boy and began my life as a vegetarian.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Brain Locked

I have had so many things to blog about that I think my brain got all tangled.  And as I have mentioned time has been an issue. But thanks to my beautiful wife, my brain is now mobile and I can write from anywhere.  This post may look a little like swiss cheese when I'm done but I gotta get this stuff out of my head so that I move on to other post.  (an boy do I have doosy coming)

There have been a lot of blogs lately discussing weight loss.  I started to write about it myself but I don't think there was any intersesting except:   For the first time in my life I am having trouble with my weight.  It was no more evident then when I donned my first  "A-shirt" aka "wife beater."  OY!  This tighty whitey exposed every roll, dimple, crease and roundness.  Wow!  I knew it was bad but that was eye-opening, jaw dropping and ego busting.

Re:  Somebody Hit the Pause Button It looks like I'm not only one missing this time.  For about the past 2 weeks, when I'm home, Gracie has been attached to me like gum to a shoe.   While I eat it up, it also can get annoying.  Everyone needs their "time" but she has me wrapped around her little finger.  Between her and her momma, I have no chance. (and I love it)

"You could pass." (for being black)  I was told this again the other day.  I just laughed.  I am me.  Good, bad, black, white, I am just me.  Since I have been in Louisiana, most of my good friends have been black.  I only mention this because the other day someone in my vicinity used the n-word.  I left that vicinity.  Later, I was mad because I didn't say anything.  I didn't know the person but that won't  matter anymore.  For now on, I'm calling anyone who uses that word or any word like it out.  I'm done with racist assholes. 

I turned 39 last week,  I guess the countdown to 40 begins.  Anyway, I have eaten a lot of new things during my 2 years down here, but the Lemon Dobosch cake is a revelation.  I only wish I had the words to describe its yumminess to y'all.

Monday, June 4, 2012

They Blew the Roof off the Church

It happened a few weeks ago.  I was in Sunday service listening to the 35 minutes of music before the sermon.  I mention that only because I think it is little too much. But since it is the only complaint I have about our new church, I accept it.  Every week  Usually On occasion, my mind will wonder off to some other place.  Sometimes I will think about what I'm going to eat for lunch, work, this blog or numerous other things.  Even the idea for Xi Su was conceived during a service.  On this particular week the praise team started playing song and as usual for some reason I was out in space somewhere and all of sudden there was a giant roar. I snapped back to reality and turned to look what had happened.  It was nothing special, just the crowd just singing along.  But it was much louder that normal.  I felt like Jagger just came and said "Are you all ready to rock?"  So what was this song that blew the lid off of the place?  It was a song I was unfamiliar with but the older crowd sure knew it.  The song was "At the Cross."  As I said, I didn't know the song but it was was kind of catchy and I now sing it all the time.  It just further proves that there are two kinds of music: good and bad.  You can divide music into as many categories as you want but in the end, the song is either good ot it's not.  Nevertheless, when I came home I googled the song and found a version by Hank Williams Sr.  I'm a big fan of his, even though he died about 24 years before I was born.  I consider him our best Singer/ songwriter ever.  Anyway I am posting his version below. Take a listen.  Going forward I am going to Iwill  I promise to try to listen more to the music on Sunday. 

PS:  The song was recently in Hatfields and McCoys set during the Cival War and Post Cival War era.  An oldie but goldie!!