Sunday, December 23, 2012

About the Police

The other day I was driving to work when I saw something very similar to this:

Most of you probably don't even think about the police and if you are then you're cursing them for pulling you over or interrupting your "fun."  But you have no qualms over calling them when someone takes something of yours, crashes into something of yours, or punches something of yours.  You expect prompt courteous service that satisfies whatever need of revenge that you deem fit.   And once that task is complete, it's back to them being the enemy. 

Try this:  Look in the mirror to see who is really to blame for your speeding ticket, your DUI, your disrupting the peace, your disorderly conduct.....

 I can't imagine the feeling a spouse has everytime the other has go to work, everytime time a call comes in, everytime he or she is late coming home.  Now I don't know what had happened to that particular squad car or if even if he or she were okay. I can only imagine the overwhelming joy or unbearable pain depending on the outcome.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of the officers for being out there.  I know it probably seems that most don't care about you but you would be wrong.  We are out here, even if we hardly ever say it.

PS -- I have blog request that I will get to.  But this is what is on my mind today.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Pot (not so) Luck Tips

I'm not quite sure of the Pot Luck origin. (or Pot Lock as a former boss called it)  I'm not quite sure if any luck is involved at all.  I think it's mostly skill involved.  Here are some tips. 

First you have to get there early that way you can see whose bringing what, that way you can avoid dishes made by "you-know-who"  Yes, it's a bit mean but it beats the alternative of sitting on the toilet for 3 days.  If by some chance you get there late, you have to ask who brought what or the unavoidable trip to the porcelain palace will await you. 

Secondly, do not take advice from anyone but your significant other.  I was at a Pot Luck when someone informed me how good the "shrimp alfredo" was.  So I got a huge portion.  Yeah, not so good.  Think Kraft shells and cheese with shrimp thrown in and you have the so called "shrimp alfredo."  But what made it worse, was that my aforementioned boss had made it and that boss kept coming in there talking to everyone.  I basically had to eat what I could of the stuff before a well placed napkin could hide the rest.  I then waited for the perfect moment to dispose of it.  I know it was a waste of food but had I eaten the rest it would have ended up in the trash anyway via projectile vomiting.

 Thirdly,  do not spend a bunch of time making a "new" dish or an odd dish that no one will eat.  I once made a very tasty black bean soup that 2 people ate and I was one of them.  If you make a dish that you've never made before, then how do you if it's any good.  By the way, if it does suck, then you may be in line for the next "you-know-who" title.

Next, if you have to ask what something is, pass on it.  If the person who made it can't make it well enough to make it look like is suppose to, then it probably doesn't taste like it either.  Oh, it may be the best tasting stuff ever but I ain't chancing it.  I suggest loading up on what you or your partner brought and play it safe.

Lastly,  if all fails, head for the desserts.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

5 Facebook post I restrained from posting

I just hate it when I have on myapple bottom jeans and my boots with the fur and the whole club is looking at me!

Just because I said "I hate fruitcakes" does not make me a homophobe.

I  passed on "Elf on the Shelf" and went with a "Chuckie on the shelf".  He seems to be more effective in having children behave themselves.

I wiped some chocolate on that damn elf's face.  So now the kids think HE ate all the cookies.  HAHAHA!

As a Christian, someone telling  Happy Holidays does not offend me one bit but punching someone's grandma so that you may buy the last "gotta-have" toy for your bratty ass kid for a holiday celebrating the birthday of Jesus Christ tends to get me worked up a bit.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Chopped Challenge

The other day, I was at Dollar General buying a Coke Zero.  There was a forty-ish couple in front of me and they purchase the following items.

1) 2 cans of Vienna Sausages

2) A 6 pack of Chicken Flavor Ramen Noodles

3)  1 loaf of White Bread

4)  1 two pack of Vanilla Zingers

I thought it was a very odd combo.  Later when I ask Gretchen to guess what  items this couple had  purchased, she guessed, "Ramen noodles, ......Vienna Sausages, peanuts and some kind of snack cake."  Pretty good guess. I suppose DG isn't known for gourmet food. Anyhow, we started coming up with names of things they could make with their "Yellow Dollar General Mystery Chopped Basket."

Now I challenging my readers to come with a meal using the aforementioned items.  I will let Gretchen choose the best one and I will cook and eat that meal.  I will report on how the dinner goes and give the creation a 1 thru 5 star rating.  Good Luck.  I look forward to your creations. .

Saturday, December 1, 2012

"Yo, V.I.P. Let's kick it"

I know you're already singing it "Ice Ice Baby."   It's okay.  We ALL know the words to it.  So one night when a microphone gets put in my face and I'm trying to think of something to sing;  Ice Ice Baby was all I could think of.  So I preformed it.  No, I'm not the best rapper out but for a white guy, I do okay.  Of I guess I should mention that a little alcohol was involved.  Now my co-workers had encouraged me to do it because they got a kick out me rapping at work.  I guess a older white guy spitting out Ice Cube, Dre, Too Short, BDP...(the list is end list) wasn't something they were accustom to seeing.  But once again, it's Shane just being Shane.  So, I preformed the song and even added a few extra words to make it my own.  All of that would have been sufficient.  But I didn't stop there. I (unfortunately) had to take an extra step. Several actually, as during the instrumental part of the song I busted out into full  running man as if it's 1989 all over again.  Yes, I went there.   Did I mention alcohol was involved?  Unbeknownst to me, two co-workers recorded the "performance" on cell phones and were than happy to share the recording with those who had missed it.  Fortunately, the video has yet to find it way to YouTube or Tosh would be calling for a web redemption.  Anyway, it's a moment that some won't let die.  That's fine.  I laugh about because it is funny.  I have been ask for a repeat performance quite often.  I have been hesitant.  I guess I need to be in the moment.  And I don't like the idea of being recorded.  YouTube is full of videos of people who were just having fun but are now embarrassed constantly  because someone posts the video just to be cruel.  Anyway, will there be a repeat performance?  I don't know.  However, I am rather fond of this Gangnam Style thing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Black Friday Put Me in the Hospital

It's all fun and games until 4300 inbreds trample over you trying to get a no-name flat screen for $250 dollars.  As I lie on the floor watching Nikes and fuzzy bunny slippers step on my face,  I see an elderly lady go down 3 feet from me.  I immediately grab her..... and use her for cover.  After the first wave had passed, I belly-crawled my way to $35 tablets only to discover that the ones they had in their ad were in limited supply and that the 3 they had disappeared an hour ago. (Belly-crawling through ###-mart takes awhile.)  Needless to say I'm a little disappointed and I'm pretty sure both of my legs are broken.  So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I found a shopping cart and carted myself over to sporting goods. ( I made pretty good time).  Only to be told of a mandatory waiting period.  Whatever that is?  Then I came up with a brilliant idea.  I decided to shopping in other people's carts.  I found everything I wanted including three $35 tablets.  While I was paying after waiting in the check-out lane for 1 1/2 hours, I noticed a small crowd growing around the service desk.  I thought to myself that I better cart myself out of there quickly.  I had made to the car when I heard the sirens.  I loaded my loot into the trunk and when I started the car I realized that maybe my legs weren't broken after all.  (Thank God for that old lady protecting me)  I hit the gas to get out of there.  Then it happened.  The old lady who had protected me was in the meat-wagon, whom they claim had the right-of-way.  Whatever that is?   I later awake in room 305 with tubes in me,  handcuffed to the bed and 3 police officers surrounding me.  They informed me that I "had totaled a Good Samaritan Ambulance, a street light, and my own car.  When I ask about the contents of the trunk, they all laughed.  Apparently after impact, my loot went flying and landed in front of the Ryans Restaurant.  The one hundred 450 pound patrons and witnesses to crash, all hobbled out and collected all of the goods and placed them in a "safe place" never to be seen again.  I'm told that my only charge is failing to yield the right-of-way to emergency vehicle but the elderly lady, who had survived with only minor injuries, was not happy with me.  Her attorney has since contacted me.  My injuries turned out to be no more than a slight concussion.  FMLA here I come.  Woohooo.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Lost but Found

It's funny that for two months I didn't write.  I had several ideas over that time but the thought of writing just made me cringe. I guess I was burnt out.  I had finished a short story and had started a new one and I was trying to devote my free time to that however, it didn't get my time either as it sits unfinished.  Some of the ideas that I had were about the election but I couldn't stand to here any more about it so why would I want to write about it.  The other ideas I had were as always all over the place.  But I just couldn't sit down and write, I didn't want to. It was so bad that I didn't even read other blogs.  Then I started to get the itch and during the family photo day, the drive came back.  It took a little time before I had the time to write but when I did it felt good.  I saw in Brett Minor's blog that it was National Blog Posting Month.  Cool. What better time to start blogging again.  So in the days to come I will be posting more.  I have been catching up on the other blogs, as well.  There are rumors of an awards fairy that like to visit bloggers and shower them with love and trophies but he has yet to visit me.  I don't know how to take that.  I kinda feel that singer that has a small following that dreams of hitting it big but doesn't want to lose credibility.  (If I even have any)  One other thing that I did was to read my old post and I surprised myself how good some of them are.  (I remain my biggest critic)  Look out readers!  I'm back!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Family Photos

Most family photo day stories are horrific.  Not this one.  A couple of Sundays ago we visited our friends, the Palmers.  After church as we waited for the Sunday school classes to end, we took some family photos.  Now this was planned (somewhat).  First we had to decide on a setting.  Well the setting ended up being multiple locations, all within the confines of the church's courtyard.  There were moments of frustration but they were minimal.  What was unexpected, was the fun that we had.  Since, we weren't in a hurry we could take our time and enjoy the moment.   I got to enjoy my family.  It's a shame that this world keeps us so busy that we forget to saviour the precious time with our loved ones.  Four moments stand out more than others from that day.  The first was just Gretchen and I looking at each other as if 22 years hadn't passed.  The second was Gracie's innocence of taking time to smell the flowers.  The third was Jonah being silly in one photo that opened him up to take some good pictures.  The last was Noah and I sitting on a bench taking in the beautiful weather, watching photographs being taken and talking.  I had to wonder how many more opportunities I will have to share a moment like that with my oldest child.  I wish I could live a day like that everyday.  But instead work, school and life always seem to get in the way.  I think it's time to reclaim my life. 

Sidenote:  My body likes to remind me that 40 is just around the corner.  Upon getting up off the ground, I had an awful pain in my shoulder for no reason.  I had just gotten up off the ground, that's it!  After about 45 seconds the pain subsided.  Just another memory from that day.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Go Ahead Make My Day

If you have kept up with my blog, you know that my post have become very infrequent.  I blame it on February.  But really it has been ______________(fill in the blank).   I think the new job has me worn down.  I have had many ideas but none seem to make it on the page.  For a couple of months, I have been debating shutting My Brain down.  Not that I want to but I feel like I'm neglecting it.  Then, today out of no where I get this
                  "Wow, this is so sweet. It seems like the two of you have been together for a long time, and that you can still post something like this is so heartwarming.  I found your site through Brett Minor's site and have been poking around :) Have you ever considered posting at Dude Write?  If you don't know about it, they have a weekly blog post competition for men only.  Girls can still read and vote, though :)  You should check it out...I think you would do well, as I really like your writing style."-- Kianwi 

And just like that, My Brain is back in business.  I know, I claim to blog for myself, but it really helps you get refreshed when someone praises what you do. (especially from a stranger) Thanks Kianwi. You can read her blog Simply She Goes  here.

While I'm on the subject, I always enjoy a message on Facebook that says "Ummmm, it's been awhile. Are you going to post a blog soon or what?" or "We're waiting" or "Hope you're not planning on spewing any more pointless ramblings anytime soon." (the proceedings have been paraphrased).

I'm debating the dudewrite thing.  I'm not a big promoter of my writings.  But I will think about it.  In other news, I am currently shopping The Book of Xi Su.  I am finding that everyone loves short stories but no one wants to commit to publish them.  I plan to post more often but a swift kick in my ass always helps or maybe just a friendly reminder.

Monday, September 3, 2012


As I held the lit match, I gave it one last thought.  I agreed with myself that it wasn't the most reasonable thing to do.  But, then again, there was no there was no other option.  I lightly tossed it forward and watched the flames shoot up.  It wasn't the first bridge that I had torched and probably not the last.  I had actually gave this one some thought.  It wasn't a huge bridge, more like a fallen tree over a creek but, nevertheless it may end up burning down the whole forest now.  It, like most, stemmed from a misunderstanding.  A very normal problem of mine.  A normal problem for an abnormal person.  It's not that I hate people, I just hate how people act.  Do you hear that drumbeat?  I do too but, I always choose my own beat.  And in there lies my problem.  I can't go with the flow.  Not when I see too many  ideals that are warped.  Expressing my disapproval of such had led to many believing that I am a complainer or that I just flat out suck.  Either way I really don't care. I am proud to take a stand.  I am not two faced nor do I talk out of both sides of my mouth.  I don't consider it "bitching" when I take the side against overpriced basketball shoes, cellular phones, or standing in lines for the like.  Whatever happened to true values?  And I'm not talking about hardware stores.  I am talking about caring about real issues.  Not issues like someone wearing Jordans with a Kobe shirt.  Who cares? You?  Then I to ask you "Aren't there better ways of advancing our society?"
Yes, I go my own way.  And very often it's very unpopular.  I won't close my eyes and pretend that the crap in the world doesn't happen.  I find it amazing that so many people can.

Anyway, getting back to the bridge,  I made my point.  Even though most won't get it and I will once again go misunderstood.  But I am fine with it.  I've got my graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate on stand by for the next bridge.  I'm sure it won't be long.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Yank Goes 15 Rounds with the Hurricane

I'm actually still waiting for it to hit. Everyone wants to know if I'm worried about it because this is my first hurricane. I tell them that I lived in Tornado Alley for 37 years, so no I'm not worried.  Once, I was in New Haven for training when remnants of a hurricane came through.  The biggest difference in tornado weather and hurricane weather is that when tornadoes occur you get about a 2 hour notice that conditions maybe right, then sirens go off and 30 minutes later it is all over.  I have been watching this damn hurricane for over a week now.  And it just became a hurricane about an hour ago. (this helped the title because The Yank Goes 15 Rounds with the Tropical Storm loses its punch). (ya see what i did there)

I'm sitting at home on a sunny day awaiting the storm.  We have done all of preparations: water, flash light, food......and now we wait.  I've been waiting over a week.  I guess eventually will find out what all of the chaos is about.  For example, I stopped off at Dollar General last night.  Holy cow was it wiped out.  It looks like people will eat anything.  SIDE NOTE:  To all corporate stores,  if you are over stocked on canned pigs feet, Teriyaki Spam, Mustard and Garlic Sardines or any of the like, be proactive and search out where the next storm is going to hit, load up your truck, drive to the area and set up shop in your truck. Once you sell out, (which won't take long) you can pack up and get the hell out of there.

I suppose most people are dreading the storm but I'm ready to get it over with.  C'mon Isaac.  Let's see what you've got.

To be continued....

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Adding up to 48th in Math

So it has been determined that the kids of the U.S. are 48 out of 133 in Mathematics and Science.  That puts us in the top 36%.  Not so bad.  "But this is the United States, we're supposed to be number 1 in everything."  Not so fast.  I think I have an easy answer for these numbers.

The U.S. kids are ranked 48th because they are already here.  The other 132 countries' kids are trying to get to the U.S., so they have a lot more motivation.  If our kids were to be deported because of poor scores, there wouldn't be any poor scores.  We would be number 1 in every category. 

While lil Joey and Sheniqua are busy launching birds at green pigs, standing in lines for overpriced phones and shoes, and worrying about how many "friends" they accumulated; lil Akbar and Ling Lee are hitting the books and abbaci and in turn taking away scholarships.

I'm not worried about being 48th.  I am a bit concerned about how these kids are going to grow into responsible adults.  I suppose us Americans have always had things that preoccupies our time but how do we get these kids focused a little more on the 3 R's.  I don't know.( maybe he should try the deportation thing) If we don't find an answer soon, I won't be surprised when the U.S. is 133rd.  

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

This is the Voice

There is a voice that sings every week at church that truly is amazing.  Even more amazing, is that I get to hear this vocie everyday because it belongs to my wife.  Her angelic voice has graced stages, such as, the Muni in St. Louis and Carnegie Hall in New York (just to name a few.)  The sad thing is that so many people without true talent make it on the radio.  While people with talent like Gretchen's go unnoticed.  When American Idol first came around she was too old to try out.  Then they raised the age.  She would have qualified had that age been the standard to start with but since it wasn't, by the time they raised it she was too old once again. 

I have new hope that one day she will get her chance.  Shows like America's Got Talent, X-Factor and The Voice are non-age specific and offer a chance for everyone with talent.  My talents wouldn't make the first cut.  But that's okay with me.  I'm good hiding behind this keyboard. 

I used to have a tape of Gretchen's Greatest Hits. But being a cassette, it has long passed on to the big jam box in the sky.  God can play and rewind it all that He wants to.  I like to think Hallelujah could be about Gretchen's voice.  Of course, I thinking more of Lee Dewyze's version than of Shrek's.  Her chords, I sure, more than please the Lord.

So here's to my wife:  a beautiful woman, a beautiful person and a beautiful voice.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Let's see. Do I want the shit sandwich or the turd pie? (take 2)

This post gives my opinion of the upcoming presidential election.  It is really sad.  I have so much love for this country and so much respect for the office of President.  But I find myself in the land of indifference these days.  It doesn't matter who gets elected things will be the same. Two parties gives us two choices.  Just like the title.  It doesn't matter which one you get it is still a hot smelly steaming pile of mess.  I used to be under the assumption that there was a difference.  But with all of the bi-partisanship nothing gets done and another 4 years passes.  The good news is that I probably only have 10 more elections to sit through.  I guess I have joined the ranks of the United States of Apathy.

Monday, July 23, 2012

What Expiration Date?

I am at my in-laws for my last night in Illinois.  It's a good a thing it's only one night because I would have a lot of cleaning to do if it had been more.  I don't think they know what the words "Expiration Date" mean.  They never get sick because of all of the penicillin they ingest on a daily basis.  I once got some milk out of their refrigerator that had the Lindbergh baby holding pictures of missing children out on it.  Of course they waited until I had finished my Cap'n Crunch before they told me.  I actually believe they are trying to kill me with the rotten pantry choices.  Here are a few examples:  Frosted Flakes with the fat Tony the Tiger on it, Aunt Jemima was in a glass bottle, and the Green Giant had faded whiter than Michael Jackson.  I have cleaned this pantry out several times, 'til the point of they thought I should start my own service.  I guess now that I don't live around here anymore, no one checks labels anymore or they just see them as "suggestions."  Let's see what's on today's menu.  Wait!  Holy crap!  Isn't that the fruit basket I gave them back in '98.  Uh-oh!  This is the collection of jellies from Christmas '93.  And this...I don't know what this is/was.  Let me check these cans over here.  Well, that would have been a good year had it been wine instead of Hawaiian Punch.  Hey, wasn't there a recall on these about 15 years ago and then the company went belly up.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure the only expiration date that they are worried about is mine.  That's why I played "sick" the day they wanted to go to the gator farm and swamp tour.  Well, I gotta go.  It's time to play "For Whom the Dinner Bell Tolls."

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Tony's, an Albino Catfish, and a Racist

We had some family down over the weekend.  It's really hard to be a tour guide for family and friends.  You never know what they will like or hate.  Anyway, after a few hours at the Baton Rouge Zoo, we thought we would take our guests to Tony's Seafood Market and Deli.  It's a very interesting place and the food is out of this world good. 

Gretchen discovered Tony's while teaching two summers ago.  What's funny about it is that most people in the BR would consider Tony's to be in the hood.  And some were shocked that we were there at 6:30 on a Saturday night.  My feeling is that most people are good natured and I probably have the same chance of getting a cap busted in my ass at the local Wal-mart as I would at Tony's. ( stepping off the soapbox) 

As you enter Tony's, there is a giant tank full water and catfish.  There is a short wall and walkway for the workers between the patrons and the tanks.  In that walk way, the workers will pull out the catfish on to the floor.  They flip, flop and shimmy around the floor until they are picked by a customer to be taken home.  The fish are then pinned to the wall, de-finned, and filleted.  There's blood all over the wall.  It's quite a site. 

Back to our visit.  One of the catfish attempting to escape the carnage happened to be an albino.  Everybody was crowding around to see it.  Apparently, there is some curse that comes along with the albino catfish.  So, I highly doubt anyone takes him/her home.  I'm not even sure what happened to it.  Anyway, as we are finishing gawking at the abnormality, word spreads about the albino catfish.  Upon hearing about the albino, an elderly black lady says "An albino catfish?  It must be for them" and proceeded to point at us.  I have no idea whether she was being mean or funny.  But I thought that was funny as hell.  Jokes about race can be funny as long as there not mean spirited.  And when it comes to jokes about race, everyone should lighten up. (who keeps putting this soapbox here)
I thought everyone heard her but it turns out I was the only one.  They all had a good laugh when I told them about later.  After witnessing enough ichth-ocide, we decided to order our food.  Rob (brother-in-law) thought we should order the Seafood Tray.  (you can access the menu in the above link)  The tray is for 10-12 people.  Uhhh there are 10 of us but 6 are kids but okay.  Oh and let's kick in a quart of gumbo for just good measure.  The order lady seemed unsure of our order and called a manager over. He took our order and said it would be 20 minutes.  That was cool because we could walk around the store looking at all the Cajun items. 

As I was standing waiting, my little one comes up and tries to tell me that her brother had hit her with something.   I glance over and see he has a miniature size oar used for stirring gumbo, swinging it around like he's Zorro or Bruce Lee.  I yell over at him to stop but he can't hear me.  At this moment, I hear someone yelling "Excuse me! Excuse me!"  It was a cashier trying to get my son's attention.  Yeah, good luck lady.  "Excuse me"? You might as well have been yelling "Hey, I'm a dumb-ass don't listen to me."  Anyhow, I get his attention and he quits...for then anyway.  And the cashier goes back to her duties.  I continue to wait for our food when I turn to see that he has that damn paddle again.  After a brief discussion of what I was going to do with the aforementioned paddle, he decided that putting it back on the hook was a good idea.  At some point, the manager brought the food to Carmen (sister) and they wave me over to the check-out.  I couldn't believe the size of the bag.  I've gone on a week long business trip and used a smaller bag.  It smelled so good.  But when we got home and ate..WOW!  It was so good.  10-12 people? HA!  I laugh at your suggestion.  We didn't finish it all but damn near did.  It was the best food I have had out in long time. 5 STARS!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A Day in the Morning Life - Volume 2

A lot has changed since I wrote volume 1.   This day started at 3:30 A.M.  I hear a thump. I figure it's the middle child rolling over into the wall again.  "Hmm.  What's that smell?   Popcorn?"  That can only mean one thing...the oldest is up.  I go to his bedroom and he has a bag a popcorn and his PlayStation is on.  "What are you doing?"  "I was hungry."  "Turn off the game and go to bed."  More on this later.  Back to bed I go.  I gotta be at work by 8.  I drag myself out of bed at 7:20.  I have never been a morning person but this morning is unusally tough.  I shower, shave and etc.. 7:34  Gotta leave before 7:45.  Turn on the iron.  The company has decided that khakis are now acceptable.  I iron the khakis and lay them aside.  I look for an "a-shirt" aka "wife beater". I head to the laundry room.  There they are at the bottom of the dirty pile.  Okay plan B.  Find a plain T.  Hmm. Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Ahh. Well it's black under black oh well.  Back to the pants.  I put them on and they have no button.  7:42.  Grab a black pair of pants and put them on. (no iron)  I wake the boys.  The oldest needs is meds.  "What's this blanket doing by the door?"  As I'm asking, I realize the answer.  It was rolled and placed in front of the door to hide the light of the late night video game playing.  7:45 I'm gonna be late.  I text my boss and co-worker and let them know.  I nuke some left eggs and bacon and make some coffee.  The oldest takes ADHD meds.  He is now on a patch.  I recommend it for your parents of ADD/ADHD kids.  He is struggling to put it on.  I sit my breakfast down to help.  As I reach to help, I knock my bacon and eggs onto the floor.  ARGHHHHH.  I help him, then scrape my breakfast off the floor and back into the bowl.  I grab my lunch, coffee and breakfast kiss the little one bye and off to work I go.   Yes, I ate the eggs and bacon.  I clock in at 8:08. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Getting to Know Me

Getting to know me is not an easy task.  Most people, who first meet me, think that I am some shy quiet guy.  So if you only see me once or very rarely then you have no idea who I am.  It's funny how people act when they think that you are prim and proper.  And then you drop a bomb on them.  I usually say some off the wall stuff.  Mostly one-liners meant to catch you off guard and crack you.  I succeed most of the time.  But there are times when I hear the crickets chirp.  When people are first getting to know me and I crack my first joke, the recipient normally looks at me in shock.  It takes few jokes for them to loosen up around me.  I'm not sure what gives them the impression that I'm so square.  I know I speak differently than most.  I try to use vocabulary.  Also, when I do things I'm all in.  I don't half-ass anything.  Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think I'm snobbish.  I'm not.  I just have things to do and I prefer to get them done.   My whole working life people have told me to "smile" or that I look "mad".  Huh? I usually focused on my task.  I think my mouth sits a certain way and people perceive it as a frown.  I have tried to explain this to people but they don't buy it.  I think "Whatever.  Have another energy drink and go back to wherever from which you came."  When people are around me enough, I think they find me as quick-witted and are now shocked when I don't have a quick quip to give.
I enjoy making people laugh.  It is part of my make-up.  In a prior blog I mentioned the Simon Birch story.  I didn't tell the story because it didn't work in that blog but here it will show you how part of my brain works.  I was watching the movie, Simon Birch with Grechen, Shawn and Jennifer some years ago.  Towards the end, young Simon dies leaving his friend behind.  It was at his point that Gretchen and Jennifer are bawling over this movie.  And then I chime in with "Well, now he can boink the mother."  (yes I know inappropiate but still funny).  And that one line has become legend.  It's like the scrawny short kid hitting a homerun in the playoffs.  Oh wait.  That was me too.   You know it's a legendary line, when during any movie, someone will quote it.  I wish I had a recording of the reaction.  Two grown women crying over a movie and then an uncaring heartless man spurts something out that changed the atmosphere.  Priceless!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Exclusive Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev Interview

Due to advance wormhole technology In Shane's Brain and Big Kev's View are proud to present the following Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev interview.

ISB:  Big Kev, thanks for joining us.  If you don't mind, will will put that huge bottle of ketchup away.

PABK:  Huh?  Oh, sorry about that.  I woke up with ketchup in the right hand and this meat tenderizer in the left.

ISB:  I sure hope that's ketchup on that mallet.  All right let's get to it.  Can you briefly describe what you have referred to as the the "Kingdom of Kevin"?

PABK:  The "K.o.K" as well call it...say it....say K.o.K. don't spell it....SAY IT! I make me chuckle (he begins to giggle like a nine year old looking at a National Geographic). I digress. The K.o.K. is the current earth timeline that we enjoy immensely; all of us. You see after the fall of man due to the “Obama-Romney: We Are One” administration, we are rollin' right along with new lifestyles. All the old ways: DOWN THE CRAPPER!

ISB:  Do you miss the old way?

PABK:  Are you kidding me?  I have created a home base that I would call enviable. Ya see, I captured a White Castle, yes, the one with sliders. We, and by we, I mean my slaves, loaded said palace onto 2 flatbeds running side by side, Mad Max style yo and transplanted it on top of a strip club, that we previously placed on top of a US Armory, that sat on an ancient, haunted Indian burial ground.

ISB:  Sounds more like redneck heaven. (I chuckle)

PABK:  (Starts sharpening a meat clever) I’m not sure I heard you correctly.

ISB:  Where the hell did that come from? 

PABK:  Macy’s.  Martha Stewart Collection.

ISB:  (Starting to sweat a bit) Oh. It’s very nice.  Let’s get back to your time.  Tell my readers a little about Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev’s world.

PABK:  I got EVERYTHING I need. I got men for labor and skirmishes, women in the basement for the ba-chicka-wa-wa and ugly people to eat. I…

ISB:  Wait!  Did you say “ugly people to eat?”

PABK:  Yeah,  “uggos” as we call them.  I  acquired Mario Batali to cook my sliders made from the aforementioned uggos. He is a wizard with uggo meat.  Hey, you know what else?

ISB:  I’m afraid to ask.

PABK:  I have a whole plethora of Hollywood actresses down in the hole.

ISB:  Oh, yeah?  How did you accomplish that and is there anyone that I would know?

PABK:  I did a lot of trading and stealing to get at some of them. For example that hot Latin chick from "Modern Family" cost me 5 uggos, 32 gallons of gasoline, a bag of oranges, a toothbrush, and bottle of Wild Irish Rose. Oh, and the price for Kim Kardashia was, The Best of Monty Python Blu-ray, a jar of olives, and the Log Flume and Ninja rides at Six Flags Over St. Louis.

ISB:  Interesting.  What determines a person to be considered “ uggo"? 2 out of 10?  5 out of 10?  And did you start munching on the 1's first?

PABK: today's world anything less than an 8 is a 1. If she ain't at least Jennifer Love-Hewitt it’s grinder time! As for the men they need to be strong, stupid, and subservient. Think guard dog with trigger fingers.

ISB:  Did you start the cannibalism right away or did you wait until meat supply was at zero.

PABK: I knew the food wouldn't last. I figured I’d better jump right in on day one.  So we ate that “four” from the gas station. She didn't really have potential for anything other than meat.  Last week we had theme nights. Chinese on Tuesday and Mexican on Thursday.

We took a break at this point.  I emptied my stomach, brushed my teeth and returned.

ISB:   What happened to my boom boy?  And why is Mario Batali here?

PABK:  I dunno.  Oh, and your boom boy was here a minute ago. (Chewing on a toothpick)

ISB:   Strange.  He has never left an interview before. Anyway, what plans do you have for your future?

PABK: Well, I hope the internet fires back up some day. If it does I have plans for and a site to sell Acura after-market parts. Bling freakin’ bling, dawg!!!

ISB:  Maybe you should trade for Al Gore.  (snickering)

PABK: (There was no response.  He started to twiddle his thumbs, looking the other direction.) 

ISB: Oh.  Uhhh.  Well, before the wormhole closes, is the anything you would like to say to Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev?

PABK:  CARDIO!  Get your cardio up.  Some of the uggos can freakin’ run. 

ISB:  Well tha..

PABK:  Wait.  I’m not done.  Big Kev, whatever you do, don’t, I repeat, don’t, no matter how much he begs; do not leave Murph in charge while you are gone.  It took the palace 3 months to recover after that last fiasco.

ISB:  All-righty then.  Thanks Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev for joining us.  And thanks for the “Beef” and broccoli and Philly “steak” and cheese, but I think I will pass.

PABK:  You don’t know what you’re missin’?

ISB: Ummm... I think I do and you better hurry back home.  I have just received word that Murph has declared himself “Ultimate Supreme Dictator of K.o.K.”

PABK:  Ahhh shit.  Not again.

At this point, Kevin grabbed his snacks and jumped back through the wormhole before it closed.  I then put an ad out for a new boom boy and began my life as a vegetarian.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Brain Locked

I have had so many things to blog about that I think my brain got all tangled.  And as I have mentioned time has been an issue. But thanks to my beautiful wife, my brain is now mobile and I can write from anywhere.  This post may look a little like swiss cheese when I'm done but I gotta get this stuff out of my head so that I move on to other post.  (an boy do I have doosy coming)

There have been a lot of blogs lately discussing weight loss.  I started to write about it myself but I don't think there was any intersesting except:   For the first time in my life I am having trouble with my weight.  It was no more evident then when I donned my first  "A-shirt" aka "wife beater."  OY!  This tighty whitey exposed every roll, dimple, crease and roundness.  Wow!  I knew it was bad but that was eye-opening, jaw dropping and ego busting.

Re:  Somebody Hit the Pause Button It looks like I'm not only one missing this time.  For about the past 2 weeks, when I'm home, Gracie has been attached to me like gum to a shoe.   While I eat it up, it also can get annoying.  Everyone needs their "time" but she has me wrapped around her little finger.  Between her and her momma, I have no chance. (and I love it)

"You could pass." (for being black)  I was told this again the other day.  I just laughed.  I am me.  Good, bad, black, white, I am just me.  Since I have been in Louisiana, most of my good friends have been black.  I only mention this because the other day someone in my vicinity used the n-word.  I left that vicinity.  Later, I was mad because I didn't say anything.  I didn't know the person but that won't  matter anymore.  For now on, I'm calling anyone who uses that word or any word like it out.  I'm done with racist assholes. 

I turned 39 last week,  I guess the countdown to 40 begins.  Anyway, I have eaten a lot of new things during my 2 years down here, but the Lemon Dobosch cake is a revelation.  I only wish I had the words to describe its yumminess to y'all.

Monday, June 4, 2012

They Blew the Roof off the Church

It happened a few weeks ago.  I was in Sunday service listening to the 35 minutes of music before the sermon.  I mention that only because I think it is little too much. But since it is the only complaint I have about our new church, I accept it.  Every week  Usually On occasion, my mind will wonder off to some other place.  Sometimes I will think about what I'm going to eat for lunch, work, this blog or numerous other things.  Even the idea for Xi Su was conceived during a service.  On this particular week the praise team started playing song and as usual for some reason I was out in space somewhere and all of sudden there was a giant roar. I snapped back to reality and turned to look what had happened.  It was nothing special, just the crowd just singing along.  But it was much louder that normal.  I felt like Jagger just came and said "Are you all ready to rock?"  So what was this song that blew the lid off of the place?  It was a song I was unfamiliar with but the older crowd sure knew it.  The song was "At the Cross."  As I said, I didn't know the song but it was was kind of catchy and I now sing it all the time.  It just further proves that there are two kinds of music: good and bad.  You can divide music into as many categories as you want but in the end, the song is either good ot it's not.  Nevertheless, when I came home I googled the song and found a version by Hank Williams Sr.  I'm a big fan of his, even though he died about 24 years before I was born.  I consider him our best Singer/ songwriter ever.  Anyway I am posting his version below. Take a listen.  Going forward I am going to Iwill  I promise to try to listen more to the music on Sunday. 

PS:  The song was recently in Hatfields and McCoys set during the Cival War and Post Cival War era.  An oldie but goldie!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Scenes from the Dentist Office

It had been awhile since I had been to the dentist.   Not because I'm scared of them  but because the last time I went I felt like I was at a used car lot.  The assistant try to sell me every thing under the sun do make my mouth sparkle.  No thanks.  Bright un-natural white teeth freak me out.  But I am by no means an "Anti-dentite."

Day 1
This particular trip was because two years ago I broke part of a tooth off. I did nothing at the time because I was too busy packing for the big move.  Now itAnyway, I arrive way too early and I have to sit and sit and sit.  Finally, I get called back.  Once in the back, I'm very surprised.  There are no walls.  I can see endless torture dental chairs separated by cabinets.  So, I take my place.  They take some rather painful pictures of the tooth.  I am told that I need a root canal and a crown.  I'm not surprised about that but "what about the other teeth?"  They didn't have time to look at those.  It's like taking your car in because it is making a noise and they notice the brakes might be about to go out but don't have time to make sure.  Whatever.  They schedule me another appointment and give me an "estimate."  Good-bye new 55 inch LCD.  We will meet some day.

Day 2
Both appointments I made on Saturdays.  It kind of handy.  This trip, I brought my boys with me.  They are 10 and 13 and are with me because we are going to see the Avengers afterword.  On Saturday, they must expect a lot of kids because Puss n Boots was playing both days.  I get called back.  I am placed in the chair.  They start by numbing with local although it hurts like hell.  They are jamming the sick onto the most sensitive part.  "You bastards.  You did that on purpose," runs through my head.  Next, come the needle.  Needles don't bother me as I was stuck countless times a teenager. 3 sticks and then they go to work.  They put this green tarp over my mouth.  I'm still not sure what that was for.  More on that later. "Hmmm. That kind of hurts.  SHIT! I ain't numb yet."  I inform them of my uncomfortableness.  They oblige by sticking me 3 more times.  At one point, I counted 4 hands, 2 sucking things, one drill and 2 others "devices" in my mouth at one time plus the green tarp.   Now, midday way through, the numbness had reached the corner of my eye.  It was a rather odd feeling.  Next, to me in the other chair was a 12 year old girl who was screaming like she just the boogyman.  This goes on for 10 minutes as her mom was trying to talk her into letting them do whatever  they were going to do.  The assistant kept informing the mother that she could refer her to another dentist who specialized in children.  It was a nice way of saying "Women your child is a pain in the ass and if she doesn't shut up I'm going stab her with an Oral-B."   About this time, my green tarp is getting covered in my saliva.  I have a acute nose for smell and I don't do smells very well.  So this thing is sopping wet, sticking to my face and it smells. I'm starting to get pissed. Finally, they finish.  My mouth feels like I like I took a shot from the champ.  I look even worse.  The left side of my mouth won't move and it looks like I had stroke.  Oh well, off the movies we go.

Day 3
Not much to say here other than, there was no green tarp. Thank God.  This appointment was on a Tuesday.  Puss n Boots had been replaced with procedure videos.  How fun.  Nothing like a masochist telling you what he is going to do to you before he does it.  Anyhow, 2 1/2 hours later I had my crown.  And off to the work meeting I go.

The first appointment was on April 14.  On June 13 they will finally check the rest of my teeth.  I am afraid to hear the results.  But I like eating without pain so I guess it will be worth it.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Keeping Tradition Alive

This past Sunday, I kept a tradition alive.  I washed and waxed my car.  I know that sounds strange but it will make sense in a minute.  It was the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend, which means it was time for the Indianapolis 500.  You still don't understand do you?

Okay.  When I was kid the 500 was not televised live. If you wanted to watch it, you had to wait until Sunday night and watch it on tape delay.  Can you imagine this happening in this day and age?  There would be total anarchy.  Anyway, you had to listen to it live on the radio.  So family would park the car in the back yard, turn on the radio and listen to the race, and proceed to wash and wax the car. But that wasn't all.  We had to prepare for the race. We would each pick the following:

        Lap 1 Leader
        Lap 10 Leader
        Lap 50 Leader
        Lap 100 Leader
        Winner (you got to choose 3)
        First Driver Out of the Race

We would not win anything other bragging rights but it was always fun.  My early winner picks were always Mario Andretti, AJ Foyt and Rick Mears.  Later the latter two would be replaced with Michael Andretti and Roberto Guerrero.  I say always fun but maybe not always.  In 1981, in a controversial ending, Mario Andretti was given the win only to have it taken away and given back to Al Unser Sr.  And then in 1982, rookie driver Kevin Cogan, starting in the 2nd position wrecked during the warm-up laps.  He took out Mario and AJ before the race had even started.

In later years, the Indy Racing League and the CART series got into a pissing match and the IRL would only allow a certain number of CART drivers to be in the race.  It ruined the race for me for many years.  Then last year I tuned in and watched a rookie wreck on the final lap giving Dan Wheldon his second title. A very exciting ending.  A couple of months later Wheldon would die during a race.  So much for getting back into indy racing.

Regardless, of all of the bad times, those races during my childhood are forever in my thoughts as a fun unique family experience.  I miss those times.  My little one "helped" wash and wax the car this year.  Even though we missed the race, I felt some tradition was being passed on.   Maybe next year, we will pick winners.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

No, I'm Not Brain Dead

Yes, it has been over a month since I posted last.  I have had inquiries as to why.  Here are my answers in no particular order:

1) New Job-- The new job has changed my schedule.  Why I have more time at home, I have less time at home alone.  So instead of blogging, I'm hanging with the fam.  If you would have asked me why I haven't been blogging, this would have been my answer.  But upon some self-evaluation, I have realized this wasn't the main reason.

2) Bejewelled-- Damn it.  I found the gem swapping game on Facebook book again.  It had been a few years since I played.  But now that needle keeps calling my name.

3) The Real Reason--  I am a perfectionist.  My last blog was suppose to be the 1st of 3.  So while I had other ideas I kept putting them off thinking I need to complete the trilogy.  The 2 remaining topics are vast and I was trying to figure out how to approach them.  Days, weeks and now a month has past.  I have started one but I am not happy with it.  Sometimes, I lose focus of what this blog is.  While I enjoy writing it, it does get frustrating when you don't know how it was received or it gets very few hits.  ISB's  biggest day were when I wrote about my pending doom. I Have Been Given 11 Months to Live was the single biggest day  for my blog.  I don't know how take that.  Either people were concerned or they were looking for a juicy nugget to pass along.  Anyway, it doesn't matter ISB will continue with more frequent post to come.  Maybe I'll get to the social commentary maybe I won't.  If you're familiar with my brain, then you know I can't control which way it goes.

P.S.  In case you have been wondering, I let my deadline pass.  I could not agree to their terms. (Which means "No I'm not giving up ownership of my story")  Also for my guinea pig test readers (and you know who you are) The Book of Xi Su is currently in its third final draft.(perfectionist at work)  If you want an updated draft let me know.

Best of Luck to you.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why We Are Where We Are: A Social Commentary - Part One

Ya, know what I don't like?  $4.00 a gallon.  Ya, know what I like even less?  People who bitch about $4.00 a gallon. The weather in the old saying about complaining about the weather but no one does anything about it, could easily be replaced with gas prices.  The only difference is everyone could do something about gas prices but most people choose not to.  The following commentary is mine.  I have done no research.  The commentary, I believe to be common sense.  I am not going to give it a slant, spin or any other political motive; just plain ol' Shane's Brain common sense. 

For those of you who don't know, I have degree in Economics.  The first day in Econ 101 or 1001 , as in my case, the Professor  will tell you that in Economics, 75% of the answers will be supply and demand.  I could stop there because that is the answer to Why are we paying $4.00 a gallon?  However, there is more to the American story.  And I am going to answer the question Why we are where we are? when it comes to gas prices.

It all started after World War II.  During President Eisenhower terms, a interstate highway system was created. All of a sudden people could go further quicker than ever.  This allowed more people to move out of the cities and into the 'burbs and beyond.  People driving farther equates to more demand.  More drivers means higher demand.  Now take those two issues into today add major traffic jams with extremely long waits, you get even more demand for gas.  More demand means higher prices.

 So how can you and I curtail these problems?  Live where you work.  I'm not talking about the at office. I'm talking about within the general vicinity.  People want to live way out for reasons that I will cover in either Part Two or Three, and drive in.  120 years ago that would have been impossible but today we just accept it but we don't have to.  Look at the urban decay, rows and rows of abandoned houses but once again I cover that later.  Living where you work will cure the problem of driving in and maybe even more drivers, as bikes and mass transit come into play.

Next, comes the choice of vehicles.  We choose our cars on how they look, feel, sound and how they make you feel about yourself.  Living in Baton Rouge, I have come to the conclusion that there must be a lot of men with small penises and they must be trying to make up for it with the size of their trucks.  Seriously, you live in the 'burbs, you don't haul anything and you drive a monster truck.  Getting what?  10 -15 miles to the gallon and driving up demand of the precious fuel.  But God forbid, anybody say anything about that.  Why?  Because we are spoiled Americans who feel entitled to anything we want any damn time that we want.  So we continue to drive our gas guzzlers and blame oil companies.   Take a good look in the mirror.  When is the last time you have done anything that wasn't for you, about you, or got something in return for you.  Yes, I know that we are working on alternative fuels but until they are in everyday use how about demanding  30 miles to the gallon in town.  Is that to much to ask for?  Buy more fuel efficient vehicles and stop trying to be so macho.  I think I can speak  for most people when I say we really don't care how big your penis is.

Thirdly, let's talk about the way you drive.  I believe 55mph is the most efficient speed in which to drive a vehicle.  Why is it that you're driving 85, 95, 105 down the highway?  You weave in and out of traffic like a freaking idiot.  All for what?  To arrive at work or home 5 or 10 minutes sooner.  Why don't you try leaving a little earlier or how about doing the aforementioned and live where you work.  The way you drive wastes gas and causes accidents.  Raising both gas prices and car insurance.  You are greedy, arrogant and most of all an asshole.

Lastly, some minor issues that effects demand are our hobbies.  Motorcycles, motorboats, RVs, ATVs or any activity that you are driving over 50 miles to attend.  All of these require gas, which  does what class?  That's right. It drives up demand and thus increases the price of gas.

These are all just common sense but yet no one wants to hear them.  The American way is just to blame someone else rather than look in the mirror.  Americans were pretty lucky for the first century of gas powered automobiles but now with over populated countries like China and India continually increasing their demand for gas, the next century doesn't look so good. 

To summarize:  increase in demand and the price goes up, decrease demand and the price goes down.  Of course, you can always change your supply.  Increase the supply and the price goes down, decrease supply and the price goes up.  So, can we increase supply?  Sure.  We have a huge reserve called Alaska.  But I have other plans for Alaska. you can hear those on the bottom right of this page.  Just click on In Shane's Brain Live: National Debt 101.

This is the first of three Social Commentaries.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Brett Tagged Me Again, It's Kinda Weird

    So, Brett Minor tagged be in his blog again.  We went down this road once before.  I didn't realize that I was so fascinating.   Now I get to take my second quiz of the day.  Let's get right to it.  First question please.         

1. Book or movie and why?
     Is that an actual question?  It sounds more like a really bad Barnie song.  But if your asking which I prefer, I'd say even though I want to write, I am a movie buff.

2. Real book or e-book?
     I've only read the A-D books.  I hope to get to E real soon.

3. Funniest thing you've done in the last 5 years?
     Last year I gave my then 9 year old a wedgie.  When it was over, I held his waist band in my hands while the rest was deeply displaced.  It was atomic.

4. Do you put yourself into the books you read/write or the movies you watch? 
      I believe I am playing a role in someone else's book or movie and therefore placing myself into the aforementioned would cause some intergalactic time dimensional explosion and thus abruptly ending this so called life. I would like to add that for some of the crap that I've been through, I will be asking for a page 1 re-write.

5. How would your best friend describe you?
     You-pronoun:  the person or persons addressed

6. Favorite kind of car and why?
1965 blue Mustang convertible
absolutely gorgeous

7. Would your choice of party be a catered meal or barbecue out back?
Duh!  Why the hell would I want to barbecue when I can have it catered?  

8. What's your favorite season and why?
      If I was still in Illinois I would say Fall, but in Louisiana you have Hot and Hotter.  Take your choice.

9. What specific lesson have you learned - Spiritual, educational, occupational?
     Spiritual-  red wine-red meat  white wine-white meat
     Educational- teachers are underpaid
     Occupational -Today at work,  I learned that tapping your foot while in the middle bathroom stall can be considered sexual harrassment.

10. Besides writing, what's your favorite thing to do when you get some extra time?
       I love to take in nature's beauty

11. What's one place you can be found at least one time every week?
        Standing in the garage wondering what brought me in there

Now I suppose to tag more bloggers.  Here are some good blogs that others haven't tagged yet.   It is their turn to answer the questions.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Technologically Challenged

I have been without a cell phone for almost a month.  I admit for the first couple of days, it was strange.  Then, I got used to not having it.  The people I work with now can't believe I don't have one.  They say "I couldn't go a day without my phone." I think they are technologically challenged.  I know that's not the normal definition but hear me out. (I guess it would be "read me out")  My definition of technologically challenged is being unable to function without technology. 

How would these people survive on a deserted island or post-apocalyptic world?   I highly doubt that the individuals in those situations would really care that Sally had a rude cashier, Joey scored two goals in the two and under league or that Mary thinks people should keep their comments to themselves.    Cell phones as well as  Facebook have created this need for people to just be plain nosy.  And for the nosy to be down right intrusive.  Remember when you would call somebody because you needed something or that you wanted to talk?  Now you text 8 people to find what they are doing at that precise moment only to get into the following conversation: **note: I will be using real words

A:  What are you doing?
B:  Driving.
A:  Where are you going?
B:   Burger King.
A:   What are you going to eat?
B:  I don't know

This could go on forever.  The point is do you really care where they are going or what they are going to eat.  My guess is that you could really give a care less.  But with your cell phone in hand you just have to know every single detail of everyone's life every second of day.

Moving on. Do you actually need "your" music with every minute of every day?  Today, it seems that people can't function unless they have their headphones in their ears.  To make things worse, they will talk to you and never once remove them.   This is just rude.

The same can be said for games.  People have to be entertained every second of the day.  They will be concentrating on the game trying to tell you something and they end up sounding incoherent. 

The human race functioned just fine before cell phones.  Now, we seem more dysfunctional and have a lot more problems.  I think the two go hand in hand.

PS:   I miss the days when phones conversations were private and kept within the confines of a phone booth.  I'm tired of people screaming into cell phones telling everyone in the world about Uncle Bob's new harlot, Grandma Jean's hemorrhoids, and their lazy ass boyfriend.  Get a real life and quit living everyone else's.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Devil Made Me Do It

I have been told that I have the devil in my eyes.  I don't exactly know what that means but occasionally the devil comes around and causes mischief.  Here is a brief countdown of "his" doings:

5)  While Gretchen and I were dating I placed a huge crawdad in a shoebox and placed it on my bed.  I knew she would be too nosy not to open it .  I couldn't wait to hear her scream and start running.  She never opened the box.  Funny but failed.

4) I was once at a friends house and his mom was watching TV.  I happened to secretly find a second remote so I changed the channel.  Everytime she attempted to flip back to the correct channel I would make it go one channel further.  She didn't understand what was happening and was getting worked up.   If I could have kept from laughing it could have gone on all night.

3)  Once time as a teenager, I answered the phone.  The girl on the line asked for "Shawn," well my twin brother wasn't home so I said "This is Shawn."  Needless to say, we went on to have a very interesting conversation.  I know you're dying to find who she was but I ain't saying.

2)  One of the times that I spent the night at TJ's, we decided to go for a late night walk.  I don't know why but we did.  Anyway, we got the bright idea to start taking the real estate for sales signs and moving them to other yards.  I have always wondered how many calls the Realtors received about these bogus properties.

1)  One night, TJ and snuck into a hotel's swimming facility.  We really just wanted to sit in the jacuzzi. (no that's not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that) Anyway, the jacuzzi was packed with old women.  After waiting for an eternity (probably 5 minutes) I came up with an idea.  So, we got into the tub with the ladies and after about a minute I whisper (loudly) to TJ, "I should have peed before I got in".  And with that I made a thoughtful face followed by a face of relief.  No I didn't pee but those ladies sure thought I did and they quickly got out  and we had the jacuzzi all to ourselves.

Those were things that he made me do.  The next countdown is a list of things he tries to make me do but I resist:

5) In a nice quiet restaurant,  act like I have turrets and start shouting obscenities while ordering.

4)  During a church service, get moved by the Holy Spirit and act like I have turrets and really speak in some tongue.

3)  Say things like "gracias" and "por favor" to the waitress at a CHINESE restaraunt.

2)  On an airplane, cut the bottom out of the barf bags.  I would never see the end result but some poor sucker would barf all over his shoes.

1) While at pharmacies, when an elderly person is having their blood pressure done at one of those sit down automatic stations, sneak up behind them and scream RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  As their sitting their filling their depends you can watch how high those digital numbers can go.

And you all think you know me..........     

Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Bank Job

It is coming up on 10 years since I left my job at the bank.  I was 28 and had been there over 5 years.  I still question whether it was the right decision.  I had enjoyed my time at the bank, had lots of friends there and for the most part I was pretty happy.  The one little problem was that I couldn't find my niche. 

Here's a little look inside my head.  I am a numbers guy.  I don't like being a numbers guy.  Do you see a problem there?  I am an introvert.  Most people think introverts are shy or even rude.  We are not.  You see, when in a group of extroverts that are conversing, introverts aren't afraid to speak, we are just too busy analyzing what everyone else is saying.  Another issue that I have is that when someone ask me a question, rather than just answer it, my first thought is "Why are they asking me this?"  I will try to explain it like this:  while most people have 1 hamster wheel in their head, I have 15 vermin running endlessly.  I am good at numbers but my brain wants to be doing other things.

While at the bank, I was very good at what I did but I was bored.  Monotony is my arch-nemesis. My brain craves to be creative. Another issue was at 28, I felt I hadn't taken my shot. Looking back, I had turned down a great opportunity with the bank because I really didn't know what I wanted to do.  I did know that I didn't want to be doing numbers all the time and that was exactly what I was doing.

When the insurance company came calling, I turned them down the first time.  Six months later, they approached me again and lured me away with the promise of big money and a chance to do something different.  Since that time, I have bounced from job to to job, looking for my fit.  I have gained a lot of knowledge over those ten years and these jobs have taken to places I had never been:  New Haven, Sanibel Island, Sedona, Las Vegas and Chicago, just to name a few.  Knowledge and sight seeing are great but not fulfilling.

I recently started with a new company.  The odd thing is that it reminds me a lot the bank.  It has that friendly family feel to it.  Also, it will be 1/3 numbers, 1/3 sales, and 1/3 leadership.  A very good mix for my 15 hamsters wheels.  So, now I feel I have come full circle.  It has taken 10 years.  Did I make the right decision 10 years ago?  The answer is "I don't know." 

I can say that with my family and my faith in balance, it is a great feeling that my career has finally joined them, as well.