Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Exclusive Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev Interview

Due to advance wormhole technology In Shane's Brain and Big Kev's View are proud to present the following Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev interview.

ISB:  Big Kev, thanks for joining us.  If you don't mind, will will put that huge bottle of ketchup away.

PABK:  Huh?  Oh, sorry about that.  I woke up with ketchup in the right hand and this meat tenderizer in the left.

ISB:  I sure hope that's ketchup on that mallet.  All right let's get to it.  Can you briefly describe what you have referred to as the the "Kingdom of Kevin"?

PABK:  The "K.o.K" as well call it...say it....say K.o.K. don't spell it....SAY IT! I make me chuckle (he begins to giggle like a nine year old looking at a National Geographic). I digress. The K.o.K. is the current earth timeline that we enjoy immensely; all of us. You see after the fall of man due to the “Obama-Romney: We Are One” administration, we are rollin' right along with new lifestyles. All the old ways: DOWN THE CRAPPER!

ISB:  Do you miss the old way?

PABK:  Are you kidding me?  I have created a home base that I would call enviable. Ya see, I captured a White Castle, yes, the one with sliders. We, and by we, I mean my slaves, loaded said palace onto 2 flatbeds running side by side, Mad Max style yo and transplanted it on top of a strip club, that we previously placed on top of a US Armory, that sat on an ancient, haunted Indian burial ground.

ISB:  Sounds more like redneck heaven. (I chuckle)

PABK:  (Starts sharpening a meat clever) I’m not sure I heard you correctly.

ISB:  Where the hell did that come from? 

PABK:  Macy’s.  Martha Stewart Collection.

ISB:  (Starting to sweat a bit) Oh. It’s very nice.  Let’s get back to your time.  Tell my readers a little about Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev’s world.

PABK:  I got EVERYTHING I need. I got men for labor and skirmishes, women in the basement for the ba-chicka-wa-wa and ugly people to eat. I…

ISB:  Wait!  Did you say “ugly people to eat?”

PABK:  Yeah,  “uggos” as we call them.  I  acquired Mario Batali to cook my sliders made from the aforementioned uggos. He is a wizard with uggo meat.  Hey, you know what else?

ISB:  I’m afraid to ask.

PABK:  I have a whole plethora of Hollywood actresses down in the hole.

ISB:  Oh, yeah?  How did you accomplish that and is there anyone that I would know?

PABK:  I did a lot of trading and stealing to get at some of them. For example that hot Latin chick from "Modern Family" cost me 5 uggos, 32 gallons of gasoline, a bag of oranges, a toothbrush, and bottle of Wild Irish Rose. Oh, and the price for Kim Kardashia was, The Best of Monty Python Blu-ray, a jar of olives, and the Log Flume and Ninja rides at Six Flags Over St. Louis.

ISB:  Interesting.  What determines a person to be considered “ uggo"? 2 out of 10?  5 out of 10?  And did you start munching on the 1's first?

PABK:  Listen...in today's world anything less than an 8 is a 1. If she ain't at least Jennifer Love-Hewitt it’s grinder time! As for the men they need to be strong, stupid, and subservient. Think guard dog with trigger fingers.

ISB:  Did you start the cannibalism right away or did you wait until meat supply was at zero.

PABK: I knew the food wouldn't last. I figured I’d better jump right in on day one.  So we ate that “four” from the gas station. She didn't really have potential for anything other than meat.  Last week we had theme nights. Chinese on Tuesday and Mexican on Thursday.

We took a break at this point.  I emptied my stomach, brushed my teeth and returned.

ISB:   What happened to my boom boy?  And why is Mario Batali here?

PABK:  I dunno.  Oh, and your boom boy was here a minute ago. (Chewing on a toothpick)

ISB:   Strange.  He has never left an interview before. Anyway, what plans do you have for your future?

PABK: Well, I hope the internet fires back up some day. If it does I have plans for meatornot.com and a site to sell Acura after-market parts. Bling freakin’ bling, dawg!!!

ISB:  Maybe you should trade for Al Gore.  (snickering)

PABK: (There was no response.  He started to twiddle his thumbs, looking the other direction.) 

ISB: Oh.  Uhhh.  Well, before the wormhole closes, is the anything you would like to say to Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev?

PABK:  CARDIO!  Get your cardio up.  Some of the uggos can freakin’ run. 

ISB:  Well tha..

PABK:  Wait.  I’m not done.  Big Kev, whatever you do, don’t, I repeat, don’t, no matter how much he begs; do not leave Murph in charge while you are gone.  It took the palace 3 months to recover after that last fiasco.

ISB:  All-righty then.  Thanks Post-Apocalyptic Big Kev for joining us.  And thanks for the “Beef” and broccoli and Philly “steak” and cheese, but I think I will pass.

PABK:  You don’t know what you’re missin’?

ISB: Ummm... I think I do and you better hurry back home.  I have just received word that Murph has declared himself “Ultimate Supreme Dictator of K.o.K.”

PABK:  Ahhh shit.  Not again.

At this point, Kevin grabbed his snacks and jumped back through the wormhole before it closed.  I then put an ad out for a new boom boy and began my life as a vegetarian.


  1. Modern day Big Kev can be heard weekly at www.bigkev.fm

    Thanks for interviewing future me. AWESOME!!!