Thursday, April 18, 2013

Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?

"Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?"  I know you're asking "What the hell is he talking about?"   Well, when I was in college, that question was carved into the desk in front of me.  I have never wanted to punch my grandma but what would cause a person to ponder such an idea has always intrigued me.  What would drive someone to punch their grandma in the stomach?  I have thought about it and I come up with my top five three reasons to punch your grandma in the stomach.

When I think of my Grandma Alice, I think of Sundays and Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and fresh picked green beans.  With that, I give you

Scenario 1:

1) You:  Grandma, I can't wait to have your fried chicken today! 
    G'ma: Oh, I decided to cook healthy for you.  We're having baked tofu! 
    You:  Oh, you really shouldn't have done that...(BLAMMMMO!, a right to the gut)

Thinking of my Grandma Clara, I remember the time when she allegedly gave a used empty renuzit as a gift because she thought it was a robot and the time she allegedly gave a box of maxi-pads as a gift.

Scenario 2:

2)  G'ma:  Happy Birthday.  I had you tickets to Led Zepplin: One Night Only on hold but I thought    what better gift than naming a star after you.
      You: You had tickets to Led Zepplin?  3 originals and a son?  And yyyyyyyou opted for a star?  That's wonderful ( KABLOOEY! a left to the sternum.)

Scenario 3:

3)  You:  Grandma, you put 3Gs on the Redskins +5 and they got thrashed 42 to zip.  Time to pay up.
      G'ma:  You know I don't have that laying around.
      You:  That's very un.......(POW! BOOM!  a left and a right to mid-section.)..fornuate

PS:  I meant to come up with 5 but I could only conjure up 3.  I hope they both forgive me.  Any thoughts or scenarios?  Put them in comments section.

Monday, April 1, 2013

In the Weeds

Taking the road less traveled seems at time more of a cliche than an actual choice of life.  I have gone down many paths in my life but most have left me lost in the tall grass.  Why when the weeds are knee deep do we not turn back?  It's like an internal Garmin that keeps telling you to go straight when you know that you should be taking a left.  You just want to scream out "Shut up you stupid bitch! I'm taking the freakin' left!"  But you don't and you end up lost in the African grasslands with a feline predator awaiting your tasty ass.  Devoured by your own lost sense of self-being.  Maybe the path is too clear and you just run the other way thinking "Nope, can't be that simple."   The truth is, it is that simple.  We are the ones who make it so damn hard, always asking "What if?"  Yeah, well what if the planet exploded today at Noon CDT?   Were you happy with the path that you were on?  I'm not saying everyone's path is a golden brick road but you do need heart, brains, and courage to stay on the path that you know is the right one.  Don't let someone else choose your path.  Not that advice can't help steer you back on course but the path must be chosen by you.  Hell, even bad advice may help you see things better.  You know when you hear crap advice.  But it really hits the fan, if you take that bad advice because you want validation to keep going the path that you have chosen knowing that it is the wrong path.  Why do we make it so damn difficult? 

Over the years I had all of these that I wanted to write about but I didn't.  I didn't even pursue writing as an option.  I had let it be drilled in my head that I needed to go out into the business world and make my mark.  Not by any one person but by the consumerism of this country.  (okay, I wanted money because I'm greedy and I like things)  Nevertheless, the writer side of me was buried  by the athlete and all business sides of me.  When in essence (ugh "in essence"--a term used by Prof Curran in World Civilization to 1500 at 8:00 am during my first semester.  No more 8 o'clocks for me after that class) they are all what make  So here I am, closing in on 40, at peace with my world for the first time.  My path is clear and I accept it and I am happy to be on it.  Even though I procrastinate and put off writing,( including two really good short stories that I just won't sit down and finish) I am very happy. 

PS:  If you were looking for an April Fool's Day post, sorry the jokes on you.  With this blog, you get my yin and my yang.   Today it was my yin, check back soon for my yang, it's going to be a good one.  Thanks for visiting my brain.