Thursday, April 18, 2013

Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?

"Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?"  I know you're asking "What the hell is he talking about?"   Well, when I was in college, that question was carved into the desk in front of me.  I have never wanted to punch my grandma but what would cause a person to ponder such an idea has always intrigued me.  What would drive someone to punch their grandma in the stomach?  I have thought about it and I come up with my top five three reasons to punch your grandma in the stomach.

When I think of my Grandma Alice, I think of Sundays and Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and fresh picked green beans.  With that, I give you

Scenario 1:

1) You:  Grandma, I can't wait to have your fried chicken today! 
    G'ma: Oh, I decided to cook healthy for you.  We're having baked tofu! 
    You:  Oh, you really shouldn't have done that...(BLAMMMMO!, a right to the gut)

Thinking of my Grandma Clara, I remember the time when she allegedly gave a used empty renuzit as a gift because she thought it was a robot and the time she allegedly gave a box of maxi-pads as a gift.

Scenario 2:

2)  G'ma:  Happy Birthday.  I had you tickets to Led Zepplin: One Night Only on hold but I thought    what better gift than naming a star after you.
      You: You had tickets to Led Zepplin?  3 originals and a son?  And yyyyyyyou opted for a star?  That's wonderful ( KABLOOEY! a left to the sternum.)

Scenario 3:

3)  You:  Grandma, you put 3Gs on the Redskins +5 and they got thrashed 42 to zip.  Time to pay up.
      G'ma:  You know I don't have that laying around.
      You:  That's very un.......(POW! BOOM!  a left and a right to mid-section.)..fornuate

PS:  I meant to come up with 5 but I could only conjure up 3.  I hope they both forgive me.  Any thoughts or scenarios?  Put them in comments section.


  1. Hahahaha what about when your grandma gets wasted and starts making advances towards you on New Years Eve!


    1. "No Grandma I don't want your lap dance. No taking your teeth out is not arousing. No! Don't do that! Stop." Whammo. Gut shot.