Saturday, December 21, 2013

The St. Louis Cardinals (and MLB) Send the Wrong Message

Game 6 of the 2011 World Series, David Freese triples in two runs tying the game in the top of the ninth.  2 innings later he homers to win game for his hometown team.  The Cardinals go on to win the World Series and Freese adds the 2011 World Series MVP  to his 2011 National League Championship Series MVP.  Fast forward to the end of two seasons later and David Freese gets traded to the Angels.  Baseball trades happen all the time.  Its just part of the game.  But trading a hometown hero is seldom heard of.  Yes, he had a down year but most of that was due to injuries.  In 2013, Freese batted .269 with 9 homers and 60 RBI. The Cardinals feel Freese became expendable with the emergence of Matt Carpenter and Kolten Wong and didn't want to pay him the $7 million he most likely would have received in 2014.  In the trade, St. Louis received Peter Bourjos,(.274, 3, 12).  I don't agree with the trade but I can accept it.  But then the Cardinals made a huge mistake. 

The Cardinals signed former Tiger, Jhonny Peralta (.303, 11, 55) for 4 years and $53 million.  On paper Peralta's last year's number look better than Freese's do.  However, Peralta , also, served a 50 game suspension for PEDs that he didn't fight. 

So, to summarize:  hometown hero hustled out to Halo-town, proscribed PED performer picked up and paid.

For shame for shame.

So, IF David Freese decided to take the short cut that Peralta did and had a better batting year, I can only assume that David Freese would still be playing for his hometown Cardinals.

GREAT MESSAGE, SAINT LOUIS CARDINALS. 

PS.  The Baseball Hall of Fame has kept admitted and alleged PED users from entering the Shrine.  But it recently allowed Tony LaRussa as a manger into its Hall.  LaRussa had a winning percentage of .536.  However, his world series teams with the A's and Cardinals were led by admitted PED users Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, and Rick Ankiel just to name a few. What would LaRussa winning percentage be without the cheating?  So, they will keep out the cheaters but the enablers, who gained  the most from the cheating, can get in.

For shame. For shame.


PSS.  The Cardinals were tied for the best record in baseball and came within 2 games of winning the World Series in 2013.  Had they remembered how to hit with runners in scoring position they probably would have won the championship.  They did this with Freese at third and Kozma at short.  And the Cardinals felt they needed and upgrade at both positions?  They have made 2 huge mistakes and I think 2014 will be a step backward for them.  This gaffe almost tops LaRussa's benching of Ozzie Smith for Royce Clayton.


***Stats and info from ESPN.com and Wikipedia.com

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Lil' Andy and the Kite

*Based on a true Story

    Lil' Andy sat staring out the front window. It had been boring Tuesday morning.  His older siblings were all out and his younger sister, Midge, was taking a nap.  He had played with his same old toys and needed something new to do.  He watched the birds come and go and he saw Charlie, the hound from up the block carelessly running down the middle of the street.  Lil' Andy sighed and was about to give up when something caught his eye.  Three teenage boys from across the street had brought out a new kite.  Lil' Andy was immediately drawn to the rainbow colors that shouted from the kite.  He sat up and watched very intently.  Lil' Andy was amazed at how the kite took to the sky and how it just floated in the breeze.  He saw how the boys pulled on the strings and made, what he thought were magical tricks.  Up and down the kite would go.  Lil' Andy wished he had a kite.  He turned from the window to see where his mom was.  He wanted to ask her if he could have kite of his own. but he did not see her.  Dejected, Lil' Andy turned back around and saw what made him very curious.  The three teenagers were tying the kite strings to the picket fence that bordered their front yard.  Lil' Andy wondered why they were doing this.  The boys watched their kite soar for a few minutes and went back inside their house.  But Lil' Andy stayed put.  He watched the kite for what seemed like an eternity.  He began to daydream of himself flying his kite.  He could see himself making all of those magical tricks.  He snapped out of his dream to see the kite still flying all by itself.  "I bet that kite is getting lonely," Lil' Andy thought to himself.  Lil' Andy looked all around and saw that no one was around.  He hopped down from his window seat and went outside.  There was still no one around.  Lil' Andy crossed the street and studied the kite strings.  He looked up at the kite. He decided that it was his turn to pilot the kite.  He untied the strings and took control.  At first, he just held the strings but as the minutes passed Lil' Andy became braver and braver.  He started pulling on the strings, mimicking what the three teenage boys had done.  The kite began to dance.  Lil' Andy got excited.  He pulled even more.  The strings began to get tangled and the kite then begin to make big circles.  Lil' Andy couldn't get it to stop. The more he pulled the more the strings twisted together and began making knots.  Before he knew it, Lil' Andy had a rats nest of string in both of hands. Finally, with one big loop, the kite come crashing down to the ground.  Andy couldn't believe what had just happened but to make matters worse the three teenage boys came outside and saw what had happened.  Although, the kite was unharmed, the boys were furious at Lil' Andy.  They yelled at him for a bit and demanded that he buy them new string for their kite.  Lil' Andy began to cry.  He ran home to tell his mother.  Lil' Andy's mother was not pleased with him.  He hadn't asked to play with the boys kite and now he had broken it.  Lil' Andy's mother grabbed her purse. She, Midge and Lil' Andy then went to buy more string.  While at the store, Andy found all sorts of kites but he knew his mother was mad and didn't ask for one.  The returned home and took the string across the street.  The boys' mother answered the door.  Lil' Andy's mother explained what had happened and offered her the new string.  The boys' mother accepted the string but also apologized that boys had made Lil' Andy cry.  She ask that they wait a minute.  She soon returned and handed Lil' Andy a small kite.  She told him that it was a beginner's kite and that with lots of practice he could move to the bigger kites.  Lil' Andy was so excited that he almost forgot to thank her.  Lil' Andy began practicing right away and soon became a great kite pilot.

The End


PS:  A happy ending.  But what did the 3 boys really tell Lil' Andy?
Upon  seeing the ball of matted string, the boys told Lil' Andy to "Take that string home to his mother and tell her to tie her pussy up with it."  Confused  Lil' Andy did as he was told.  He went home and told his mother what the boys had said.  He added "I don't understand mom.  We don't have a cat."  His mom answered "Well, maybe they thought you did." 

The Real End

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Hallowfallharvestfestivalween

So many names but only one day.  I'm a little tired of everyone trying to rename things.  Halloween has been demonized in recent years and I don't know why.   I have to stop and scratch my head.  When I was a kid, no one spoke of still Halloween being evil.  It was a day to have fun.  That included a costume party at school.  Now you can't even send a treat bag!  I think we, in this country, have forgotten how to have fun.  And no matter what you want to call it.... It's still Halloween.  You can debate the origins all you want but as for me, I'm going to get another Butterfinger.  Happy haunting.


This was what was on my mind today.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Westboro Baptist Joke

The other day I get a message on Facebook asking (demanding more like it) that I blog on the following:



WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH TO PICKET GAME #3 & #4 OF THE WORLD SERIES, WHERE TITAN PERVERTS @CARDINALS & @REDSOX WILL BOW DOWN WITH THOUSANDS TO THE GOOFY SPORTS YOU WORSHIP INSTEAD OF GOD AT BUSCH STADIUM, ST. LOUIS, MO.
(click to read it all)

Here are 11 points to ponder:

1)  Their website name is godhatesfags.com  I highly doubt God is happy with anyone who puts words in his mouth. Jesus said "Love one another as I have loved you."  No where does it say profess My hate of certain people.

2) What does homosexuality have to do with baseball anyway?  Maybe they heard "he was a switch hitter" or "he tagged him on the backside" or "he took two balls"  or "he popped out to the pitcher" or "he took one down the middle" or "he's a good ballplayer" or "he's going to play a double-header" or "whose on first, what's on second, and I don't know's on third" or "he went down looking" or "he choked up on his bat" and got the wrong idea.

3)  They were founded in 1955 and have 40 members.  A) They must not be very persuasive  B)  Why do they get any attention?

4)  They call the Cardinals and Redsox "peacocks" but it seems to me anyone who goes to the media to tell what they are going to do, are the "attention wanting peacocks". 

5)  Many of the players are devout Christians.  Why make enemies of fellow Christians?  Shouldn't we try to unite rather than divide?

6)  Of all the issues of the world, they choose to worry about what goes on behind closed bedroom doors.  As with all hate groups, they blame a people different from themselves for their pathetic lives.

7)  My gay friends do not spout hate but rather love.  WBC does not spout love but rather hate.  Which group is following Jesus' command?

8)  If my family is on a sinking ship and two life boats were available, one with gays and the other with WBC members, and each only had 3 seats left.  I'm sending my 3 kids with the gays where they could learn love, not hate.

9) If WBC had any good points to make, nobody would ever hear them.

10)  Everyone should watch: Kevin Smith:  Burn in Hell.  Kevin talks about his dealing with WBC.  It's hilarious.

11)  Terence Mann: Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come. (James Earl Jones in the Field of Dreams)

My take is this:  Attention wanting hate mongers choose popular events to announce that they are going to picket.  A few members show up and are drowned out and out numbered by counter-rally participants.  WBC is a waste of time, a waste of space and a waste of life.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Scenes from the Walker Walmart

I'm guessing you've all seen the the People of Walmart sight.  Some of pictures are funny, some are gross and some are downright disturbing.  So, the one place I don't want to go on a Saturday night is Walmart.  Now on this particular night, LSU had a game.  That means that pretty much all of Louisiana has shut down.  We thought it might be an empty store for once.  Needing a few items, we decided to give it a shot.  Well it wasn't a full store but it wasn't empty either.  I witnessed the following:

They had hot loaves of French bread available.  Most people, I assume, would take a loaf home and eat with some sort of pasta.  But........... not the teenage girl at this Walmart.  Nope,  She pushed down the foil and took a bite as if she hadn't eaten in a year.  She looked like a Zombie munching on a severed leg.

They had all sorts of grapes for sale.  I'm no expert on grapes.  I don't know how to tell if grapes are ripe or not.  But............not the guy in one of the motorized shopping carts.  He had a way to tell if grapes or not.  His approach was simple.  Open the bag and eat 1 or 2.  I'm not sure how many he actually ate but with each tasting Walmart lost more profit.  He finally found a bag that he liked and then chose the bag that sat behind it to put in his cart.  No, he didn't try a grape from the bag he placed in his cart.  I don't why.  I didn't ask.

I dont' why kids decide that Walmart is the place to test their parents authority.  Maybe they think that their surroundings of complete strangers make their parents less likely to lose their minds.   And maybe to some extent they are correct.  The mom I saw tonight has a way to control her 4 year old.  Her approach was simple.  It was "I'll take your android tablet, your DS, your Wii and your PlayStation 3."  I guessing the Xbox 360 was up for negotiations as well as the keys to the car and boat.  Seriously, had the kid not had all of that, maybe just maybe he wouldn't be acting up at Walmart.

Every Walmart that I've been to have cart returns in their parking lots. Tonight as we parked, I notice there were 2 cart left two parking spots from the cart return.  I will never understand why people can walk around Walmart for 3 hours but to have to walk that last 5 feet to return cart is unacceptable.  Lazy ass Americans.  Then upon leaving, I witnessed a guy load his car and he left his cart directly behind his car.  As I walk closer, I see him pull forward an squeeze between 2 cars to leave.  Can't get any apathetic than that.  Now the person can't even pull into the spot.  But hey, he saved himself 8 steps and 15 seconds.  Did I mention "lazy"?

Lastly, a worker making fried chicken cut herself with the slicer.  Her co-worker was so concerned that he told the waiting  customers, "I wouldn't eat the chicken."


 PS:   I really really really hate Walmart.  Check what happened to me on Black Friday.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Ooooh, I Got A Dog Named Jagger

It's been awhile so excuse me as I slowly dip my toe once again into the blogging waters.  I've been going 15 rounds in my head with creative direction. It's the same ole same thing. Readers think I should write about this or that.  I asked for ideas on Facebook and got a few.  But it kept coming down to me having absolutely no motivation.  I would rather play around with fantasy football then type something that I deemed mediocre.  Wow.  This has started off negative.  Enough of my internal conflict.  Let's move on.

So, about 6 weeks ago we decided that it was time that we expanded our family.  We adopted a Dachshund and Yorkie mix, aka a "Dorkie".  After a few days of debate, the name Jagger was decided by majority vote.  Jagger was 6 weeks old when we got him.  Of course, we had to go to Petco and pick out a cage, type of food, and dog treats and to Walmart for shampoo and toys.  The price tag on this "free" dog has sky-rocketed.  We managed to get everything home and surprise the kids with new family member.  It has been a bit of an adjustment.  He originally found comfort by me.  He would sit with the others but would always comeback to me.  Now, it seems that Gretchen has become his favorite.  I'm fine with that.  Now the kids didn't realize that puppies need to go outside quite often.  I have never house broken a dog before and it has been harder than I expected.  We are getting close.  He gets near the door when it's time.  The other morning he squatted and I ran over and scooped him up to get him outside.  As I reached for the door, I slid.  There was a sudden warmth on the bottom of my bare foot.  I stopped to look.  Yup,  I guess his little sphincter couldn't hold it in another 5 seconds.  So, there I am with dog crap stuck to my foot.  This is not the way to start a Monday. Six weeks into the deal and it's funny that I can't remember what not having a dog was like.  He has become a member of the family.  Some people have the idea that I hate animals.  What they don't get, is that I don't hate animals.  I hate the fact that people treat animals better than people.  http://inshanesbrain.blogspot.com/2011/09/tale-of-two-strays.html

Anyway, we are quite happy with our little Dorkie and I think he's pretty happy with us.


Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Book Of Xi Su

*An Original Short Story


Xi Su - (Zse Sue)  like Zsa Zsa


The Book of Xi Su

By Shane Morgan

 

 

Xi Su had wasted the better part of his thirty years of life. He had no family and not much of a life. He had lost his young bride, Ming Lee, and their unborn baby ten years before during the Great Fever Outbreak. He had not looked at a woman since he had met Ming Lee and after her death he decided that he never would.  Xi Su had bounced from job to job being a farmer, a miller, a carpenter, and a gem minor.  All of which he was not good at nor did he find them fulfilling.  Upon leaving his last job as a farm hand in a rice field, he went home and went to straight to bed.  The next morning Xi Su decided to take a stroll through the woods to clear his mind and think about what job we would like to do next.  About an hour after taking a wrong turn, he came upon an old building.  Puzzled he thought himself, “What a strange looking structure.”  The building had started to crumble and it looked like the front doors were barely holding it up.  Even after perceiving the danger, Xi Su couldn’t control his curiosity.  After surveying the entire building, Xi Su found a small opening on the side of the structure and crawled through.  He found himself in a large empty room.  Scratching his head he surveyed the inside.  “Not much to look at.  I wonder what this was used for,” he pondered.  As he examined the walls he knew there wasn’t much time left before the structure fell in on itself.   He took one last look and then headed back to the small opening from which he had entered.  As he put his hand on the floor to crawl out, a floorboard kicked up.  “Strange,” he thought once again.  He pushed on the board again and when it rose he grabbed it and took it from its place.  Under the board was darkness.  Xi Su could not see how deep it was or what, if anything, was in this space.  He would’ve just reached down into the hole had his fear of spiders and snakes had not stopped him.  “It’s probably nothing,” he thought to himself.  Xi Su then decided that it was time to go back home.  He crawled back through the opening and began his trip back home.  Xi Su had not gone far when the space in the floor began to consume his thoughts.  “Maybe someone had hidden some treasure or money there and had forgotten about it.  Maybe there were priceless jewels.” His mind and heart raced at the possibilities.  Xi Su knew that he had to go back and find out what was in that hole.  Before heading back to the odd-looking structure. Xi Su knew he had to find something that would illuminate the hole in the floor.  He sat on a tree stump and thought.  After fifteen minutes of thinking he still did not have an answer.  He decided that he would think and walk at the same time. Upon reaching the small entry, he still had no clue of how to get light into the hole.  He thought to himself, “Surely, any spiders or snakes would have vacated the hole by now.”  With this new motivation, Xi Su crawled back inside.  He looked at the hole, closed his eyes, and stuck his hand in the hole.  At first, he didn’t feel anything and began to get angry at all of the time that he had wasted.  As he began to take his hand out, his pinky finger touched something.  Xi Su jerked his hand out as fast as he could.  Laughing at himself, he put his hand back in the hole and grabbed the mystery item.  “Ohhhh!” he whined. “It’s just a book.”  Disappointed, Xi Su sat back and pouted.  He did not find the treasure that he was looking for.  Dejected, he thought, “Well I put all of this work into to it, I’m keeping this book.”  He placed the bound side of the book in his mouth and crawled through the opening and returned home.

The next day Xi Su, who still hadn’t made his mind up on what his next job was going to be, sat at his table and ate his breakfast.  His new book was lying on the table and Xi Su picked it up and began to read.  At first, he was lost.  He had never heard these stories before.  He found the stories captivating and couldn’t stop reading them.  He had often questioned many things in his life: who he was, who was he suppose to be and how he fit into the world around him. These new stories, he felt, gave him answers to those life long questions but most of all the stories gave hope.  After a week had passed, Xi Su had finished the book.  He felt some new inner emotion that he had never felt before.  He couldn’t explain it but he now knew what his next job would be.

Xi Su packed everything he owned into a backpack. He then went to his neighbor, Chaun Net and asked him, “How much will you pay me to buy my house?” Xi Su knew that Chaun Net’s son and daughter-in-law were expecting their first child and Chaun Net’s house was too small for the expanding family.  Shocked, his neighbor responded,” If you are serious, I can pay,” Chaun Net paused as if he were counting in his head.  “Five hundred dokis,” he answered shyly, knowing it was more than he could afford and way below what it was worth.  Xi Su whose mind had wandered off thinking about his stories, snapped back to reality.  “Five hundred dokis?” he responded.  Chaun Net turned red with embarrassment.  “No, no my friend,” Xi Su quickly added.  “That is more than enough.”  Chaun Net’s face was aglow.  He ran into his house.  After about five minutes, the four and half members of Chuan Net’s family came out. Xi Su could tell they had all been crying.  Chaun Net, with his life savings in his hand, spoke up.  “I am sorry, my friend.  “We have only 410 dokis and with the baby soon to arrive, we can not afford your house.”  Xi Su was silent and thought about the stories he had read.  He knew his house was worth twice that amount.  “I will take 410 dokis for my house,” Xi Su announced.  Chaun Net was both happy and worried.  They now had room for their family but no more savings.   Chaun Net handed Xi Su the money.  Xi Su walked over to the quiet girl in the back and said “For your baby.”  He handed her a 50 dokis piece.  Xi Su then took step back and said “I wish your family good fortune,” and he turned and left. With his new money, Xi Su headed for the nearest town.  Two days later, Xi Su arrived in Jai Pek late in the morning.  He bought some food and sat on a barrel to eat.  He knew his new job would be to tell the stories in the book, but he did not know how to go about it or how he would be paid.  As he ate, he watched the people walking by.  He noticed that the next street up seemed to be a very busy street.  “That would be a good place for me to tell the stories,” he thought.  “But how?” he questioned.  Then a thought came to him and he stood up on the barrel that he had been sitting on.  “It seems pretty stable,” he told himself.     Since the barrel didn’t seem to belong to anyone he decided he would roll the barrel to the next street and if it did belong to someone it didn’t matter because he would return it.  So, Xi Su put his plan into action.  He rolled the barrel to busy thoroughfare, stood it up right and climbed on top of it.  He began to tell the stories that he had read and not long after a crowd had gather around him.  For as long as he could remember Xi Su had not enjoyed himself as much as he was at that moment. After about forty-five minutes, some of the town elders came to see what was going on.  It didn’t take long for them to realize that he had been telling the forbidden stories from the forbidden book.  “Get down from there!” They yelled at him. “Stop telling those stories!”  Xi Su was confused.  He hopped off his barrel.  The elders then told him that he must leave town immediately and not to return.  Xi Su tried to ask why but was not given an answer.  He hung his head, put on his backpack and left town.  While walking, he replayed the event in his head but couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong.  He looked back, shrugged his shoulders and kept walking. The next town was a small village called Kish-shee.  Xi Su thought that maybe he shouldn’t have started in the larger town and maybe the small village would a better place to start.  When he arrived in Kish-shee, he found that there were a lot of people in the village square eating lunch.  So, he jumped onto a bench and began to tell them his stories.  At first, there was silence but then a murmur began to arise.  Soon, a group of men left but that didn’t bother Xi Su; he continued to tell his stories.  After a brief time away, the grouped of men returned carrying pitchforks.  They were headed right for him.  Xi Su didn’t waste any time.  He jumped off of his bench and ran out of town.  After what seemed like an hour of running, Xi Su stopped to rest.  He couldn’t believe what had just occurred.  Xi Su was more confused than ever.  Why did people not want to hear these stories of hope?  “If I can’t tell my stories, what am I going to do?” he ask himself. “Maybe I am not telling them correctly. I am going to have to practice,” he concluded.    Xi Su spent the next two weeks reading his book over and over.  Even though each time he read the book he felt more purpose in life, there was something else.  Something that created a maddening drive in him that he had never before felt.  During his final days in seclusion, Xi Su dumped out the contents of backpack.  He was running out of money and food.  After his dinner, Xi Su slumped up against a rock.  As he slept, he dreamed of the odd old building.  He once again was crawling through the small hole but this time it wasn’t empty.  Someone was standing by the front wall.  Xi Su walked toward the figure.  The figure spoke and broke the silence.  “Xi Su, welcome to my house.”  “ Who are you?” questioned Xi Su.  Again the figure spoke “I am the one who led you here.”  Puzzled Xi Su responded, “I ended up here because I got lost.”  The figure laughed.  “Xi Su, you have lived near these woods all of your life.  How is it that you suddenly became lost?”  Xi Su thought for a minute but he had no answer.  The figure continued, “Is it because you have been lost your entire life?”   Again, Xi Su had no answer.   Xi Su then asked his own question.  “Is it your book?”  “It is my book to give,” answered the figure.  “You did not give the book to me.  I found the book in that hole.” Xi Su quickly responded, “Xi Su, you were meant to find my truths.”  “What? Why me?” Xi Su asked.  The figure answered, “Because it is your time.”

Xi Su suddenly awoke.  He was stunned.  All of his life, like most people from his region, Xi Su had no direction and no hope.  Now he had been given both but from whom?   Xi Su now knew what was driving him.  “These aren’t just stories, these are true events.  Everyone shall hear these truths,”  he exalted. “It is not right for them to keep these truths from people.  Everyone should get to have this hope and I know just where to start.” 

Viahew was the provincial capitol and it was home to largest population in the region.  Xi Su knew that this was place for him to tell these truths.  He took his time after arriving.  He studied the city and found a busy area with a large rock that he could stand on and be seen.  At noon, on his third day in the city, he climbed onto the rock and began to profess these truths.  An extremely large crowd gathered to listen.  He spoke for one hour and climbed down.  He repeated the process for four days.  Xi Su no longer cared about making money he found telling the truths more fulfilling.  He noticed that many of the same faces were attending everyday and they brought with them new people.  On the fifth day, he once again climbed on his rock.  As he told his truths, the Provincial Governor arrived.  He screamed at Xi Su to get down.  Xi Su climbed down.  The Governor grabbed Xi Su’s book and asks “Why are you telling these forbidden stories from this forbidden book?”  Xi Su replied, “I am only telling the truths.”  “No!” exclaimed the Governor.  “These are lies.  That is why they are forbidden.  You must climb back on your rock and apologize to these people for the lies you have told.”  “I am not going to do that,” replied Xi Su in a stern but respectful voice.  “You will or I will throw you in prison,” commanded the governor.  Xi Su looked at him and held up his wrist to be handcuffed.  “I will not.” He said calmly.  The Governor was perplexed at this occurrence.  He summoned his guard to shackle Xi Su and take him to prison.  When Xi Su arrived at the prison he was sat at a table.  When the Provincial Governor arrived he told Xi Su, “You have severely broken our laws and you have refused to recant yourself.  You have until noon tomorrow to do so publicly or you will face my firing squad.”  Xi Su was then taken and put into a tiny cell.  He was allowed to keep his sacred book with him.  When night came, Xi Su fell asleep hoping he would visit the figure again. Xi Su slept well and again awoke in the morning with the words “It is your time”.  Only this time, it was his bride Ming Lee’s voice. Xi Su then thought about her and the future they had planned.  “Ming Lee, I don’t know why you were taken from me or why it has been so long since I heard your voice.  For the first time, I feel like I have a purpose but yet everyone is trying to take that purpose away from me.  How I wish you were here.  I have missed you for so long. If it is ‘my time’, then it shall be.”  Just then the guards came in and took him from his cell. He was sat at a table once more.  In front of him, lamp oil and matches were placed.  The Governor soon came in and announced, “Xi Su, to correct your misdeeds you must first burn your book of lies and then get back on your rock and ask for forgiveness from the people for spreading your lies.”  Xi Su looked at him and said, “I will not do that.”  The Governor’s face turned red as he screamed, “This is your last chance!”  Xi Su just stared forward not saying a word” “ Then you’ll die by the firing squad!” the governor yelled.

 At noon, Xi Su was marched out into the courtyard and stood in front of a wall.  Eleven soldiers then came through a second doorway and lined up shoulder to shoulder facing Xi Su.   The Governor, holding a sword and still furious with Xi Su, sternly said, “Xi Su, I am giving you one last chance.  Admit to the people your lies and deception and you will live.”  Not long ago Xi Su would have questioned why his life had turned out this way but his reading had warned him that things like this might happen if he were to spread the truth.  The figure and book had brought him such peace and direction that he was ready to face his fate and answered with an assertive “No.”  Xi Su then refused a blindfold and placed his book over his heart and closed his eyes.  The sky clouded and turned dark and thunder began to roll. Xi Su then heard the order “READY, AIM” but he remained at peace. The Governor screamed, “FIRE!”  It was followed by nothing but clicks.  Xi Su opened his eyes to see the eleven soldiers looking at their guns, each other and finally the Governor.  The Governor screamed again “FIRE!”  At that moment a sunbeam burst through the clouds and fell upon Xi Su.  It illuminated his body as if he were a candle.  Again the soldiers tried to fire but to no avail.  Xi Su closed his eyes again and smiled.  He then faded into the sunbeam and his clothes fell to the ground. On the clothes, his book of truths landed right side up with the words “Holy Bible” showing so that everyone could read it.  Awe struck, the soldiers dropped their rifles and the Governor dropped his sword.  The twelve then ran off to tell others what they had witnessed.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Prune and the Raisin

*Based on a true story

"Disturbing" is how Rob described it.  I don't even know what he was talking about because as soon as he said it my mind raced back to the past.  You see, Rob had used that exact word to describe another incident. 

That story begins with him telephoning his grandparents, who were in their mid 70's, only to have them not to answer.  After several attempts, worry set in and and he and Carmen hurried to check on the unresponsive grandparents. Upon arrival, they notice how eerily quiet things were.  They continued into the house.  Again, there was no sign of anyone.  Rob and Carmen called out numerous times and got silence as an answer.  Finally, Rob went to the bedroom door and nervously opened it.  Thoughts of what might be behind it, including death, were causing unbearable stress.   He cleared his thoughts took a breath and opened the door and walked in.  Immediately, he turned and ran out.  He told Carmen "We gotta go!"  Carmen hurried out to catch up with Rob.  Outside, Carmen tried to get Rob to open up.  Eventually, he spoke and described the horror of which he had seen.  Carmen could do nothing as she was in shock.   The horror scene Rob had witnessed can simply be described as: grandpa was going down on grandma.  So, yes "Disturbing" is the only description that can be used.  But the story does not end there.

A story like that can not be held within. It must be told and retold over and over. The funniest part is people's reactions.  Many of Rob's relatives' first response was "Did he have his teeth in?"  Rob's mother said "Well it is an important part of marriage."  Of the two responses, the latter can make you think.  As awkward as it may be, there is a sweetness in a couple that been together that long and is able to share a special closeness.  With that said, we had fun with the other.

As we talked about it, "Did he have his teeth in?" became the focus.

Rob:  How was I suppose to know if he had his teeth?  It's not like he was smiling.

Me:  No.  But I bet grandma was. (big laughs)

Rob: It looked like a prune eating a raisin. (bigger laughs)

Me:  Sounds like a disease. (In my best TV commercial I say)  Do you suffer from Geriatric cunnilingus? (tears)

Then I annonced that it would be in a blog.  "It was a hot and moist morning.."

Carmen:  I don't think it would've been that moist

Me:  Well there's always mazola, corn oil, ummm...........

Carmen:  They were always found of bacon grease.

Me:  Honey, come on in here and give me some of that BLT action! (my family sets 'em up and I knock them down)


In the end, disturbing, funny or sweet, you can decide.  I'm sure some will be repulsed by such a story.  But what they miss, is what they could learn from this couple.  A life long love and closeness that marriages need and without, won't make it.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

THIS is Forty

Tomorrow is the day that I will turn 40 years old.  It hasn't bothered me at all, unlike 30 did.  I think 30 got to me more because when your in middle school and high school 30 seems so old.  And there's always that one 30 year old at all the parties who is as creepy as they come but great for beer runs.  I didn't want to be that guy.   Now 40 comes. 

You may have heard the joke "I start all my mornings with snap, crackle and pop and that's just me getting out of bed."  Yeah, that's actually my joke.  I wrote it a couple of years ago.  But that pretty much sums up my body these days.   There are days that I wake up and a body part will just hurt.  There's no good reason for it to hurt, it just does. You deal with and move on and the next day it will be a new body part that's giving you issues.   For all you youngsters reading this, that not all that you're going to face.  Mammary and testicular sagging are most uncomfortable.  If the gravitational pull gets any worse my knees are going to be playing tennis everytime I walk. Then there's the weekly deforestation of the ear and nasal areas.  I don't know why the hair on my head continues to recede while the nose, ear and eyes brows have just started to flourish.  And if that not enough of an insult, just wait until you walk naked past a mirror, stop and back-up to get a better look, only to see what appears to be a grey pubic hair.  You tweeze it out and examine it only to find that it's not grey.  Nope it skipped grey and went straight to white.  Yes, this is the physical 40 but there is a mental side, as well.

I spent most of my life questioning everything.  I find myself more accepting these days.  Some things are just the way they are.   Also, I've learned I can't do it all myself.  I need my wife.  Gretchen and I are a team and together we are stronger. You will all learn to what's best for the team and forget about yourself.  All in all, the biggest effect on my life has been getting back to church and learning the word of God.  Many of our struggles that we face in our lives have answers already written.  Just open your Bibles and read.   As bad as the physical body is at 40, I will take it in trade for the mental peace I now possess.

Mini-vans, hair dye, healthy eating, teen-agers......Yes this is Forty and I love it. 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

"Click it or Ticket" Can Stick It

Everyday people drive 90 to 100 miles per hour on the interstate without any penalty.  However, I can drive 1/4 mile from my house and get a ticket for not wearing my seat belt.  This is why some people do not like the police.  It seems that they are concentrating on the wrong things.  Me not wearing my seatbelt, endangers myself.  The idiot driving 100 mph is endangering him/herself and everyone around them.  Oh, I suppose, I could get into an accident, have my body propelled forward,  launched through the windshield and take out 3 joggers. But probably not.  "Click it or ticket."  I hate that phrase.  I'm guessing they had a contest for school-age kids and some glue eating little shit came up with that stupid phrase.

Seat belt laws are nothing more than a tyrannical big brother government creating laws to protect us from ourselves.  When really all they have done is created a new stream of income for themselves.  They like to share how many lives are saved by seatbelt use and show us gory pictures.  Okay, I will agree that seat belts save some lives.  But we could save a lot more by having our speed limits enforced.  Not to mention the gas we could save, which in turn would create less demand for gas and ultimately lower gas prices.   For some reason, that concept is  not enough to get people to slow down.   Nor is the $75 to $200 fine.  What if speeding tickets cost $1000?  I'm sure most would slow down for that price.   However, our government, who wants to protect us so badly by implementing seatbelt laws and enforcing them by pulling people over for no other infraction other than not wearing a seatbelt, will never raise speed tickets to $1000 to help protect us.  Why?  Because they would lose out on the revenue. The higher cost of tickets would lead to less speeders, which leads to less fines being paid, which leads to another lottery less money collected by states, counties, parishes, cities etc etc....No they will stick to collecting their small fines and ensure their stable income.  And that my friends, pisses me off.


This was what was on my mind today.



Saturday, May 11, 2013

Porn, Porn and More Porn

How disappointing it must have been for the  individual.   I can see him in a dark room, sitting alone with his laptop.  He googles and thinks he has found what he been looking for but no.   He has found a love letter written to my wife.  You see, he googled "watching my wife with another girl."  What he found was Watching My Wife ,a post from my blog.  I'm sure he became nauseated with what he was reading but maybe just maybe he read it and dropped everything (yes, I mean EVERYTHING) and did some soul searching of what he wanted in life. And maybe he decided Rosie wasn't the fulfilment that he thought she was.  And maybe he left cyberspace and went in search of a real women to fulfill not only physical needs but those needs found only in the heart and soul.   Or maybe he just clicked the back button and clicked on the next link and continued down his path of emptiness.

Could this have been the same fool who found my blog by searching "grandma orgy crad."  I'm don't even know what a grandma orgy crad is.  I do know that I don't want to know.  I'm guessing he found Blame it on the Barbie OrgyNot exactly a cure for the lonely heart. 

I like to think that people actively search out my blog to read and not just stumble across it and leave.  Either way, I don't see me posting any porn.  Sorry for anyone searching for porn, porn and more porn.  Will you never learn?

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

When Life Throws You a Hospital Gown...

*Based on true events

 We had just got home from taking a one kid to the doctor and the pharmacy and grabbing burgers for the rest of the clan, when we are informed that the little one is sick in our bed.  A pathetic looking specimen did indeed lie in our bed, burning with fever and the breath of ten dead dragons.  What are parents to do?  That's right.  Sit down and eat our burgers.  After clogging 2 more arteries, we were off to the after hours clinic.  After seeing the doctor, we begin to leave the clinic. I saw an ex co-worker and I stopped to chat.  Then I headed out the door only to barely make it past the threshold, when I get covered, exorcist style.  As I'm trying to figure out what just happened, the second wave gets sent in.   I inform Gretchen what has happened and she disappears back inside.  Meanwhile, I make my way to car removing my shirt as a I go.  I leave the shirt in the car and go back to where I left Gracie.  I take her cup of water and wash away the thick slime from the sidewalk.  All-the-while I'm walking around shirtless.  20 years ago it wouldn't have been a problem,  but as I creep towards forty years old and have let my body somehow expand, it's not a site anyone would really want to see. (since it's Louisiana most probably thought nothing of a shirtless male walking around in public)  I take Gracie to car and Gretchen arrives with Dr. McDreamy (now I really feel bad about this body) and they have a bucket for Gracie and a hospital gown for me.  A hospital gown?  It was either really thoughtful or a really nice way to say please cover that extremely white, overweight torso up with this even more hideous gown, I'm not quite sure which one it was.  Anyway, we load up and leave on our way to ***greens.  At ***greens, Gracie refuses to stay in the car with me and insists she goes inside with her mom.  Fine with me.  Last thing I want to do is get her worked up and get slimed again.  I didn't want to go in because of my attire but after sitting in the car for 20 minutes and watching many of our finest citizens argue over which ***box movie to rent I went in. 

Just as I thought, the stares began immediately.  But I had a plan....I'd go with it.  So, I began telling myself aloud "They're not looking at us, They're not looking at us."  I continue on my journey.  I stop and look at the tourist trap tee-shirts but x-small and 4x large wasn't going to work.  As I begin to walk, a male employee appears and ask if he can help me.  I respond "No, we are just looking."  The guy stares back at me and I walk on.  And thus began the game of follow the leader throughout the store.  My shadow was never more than the end of the aisle away from me.  I see Gretchen and I walk up to her and loudly say "HELLO, PRETTY LADY!" ( a quote from a rather interesting fellow back home) She looks at me and knew immediately what was going on.  I lean in to her ear and whisper "Apparently I look suspicious"  I stand back and Gretchen looks right at me and yells "NO!  I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS ARE!"  Three seconds later my shadow is by my side asking me "Not to bother the other patrons."  "Sorry. Sorry" I respond.  Then I say to myself "See, I told you not to ask her."  My shadow then says, "Sir, the condoms are over here."  I walk over to where he points.  I then begin to giggle and laugh.  At this time, my shadow has had enough and asks me to leave.  I tell him "We're not finished shopping yet" and that "we still need hemorrhoid cream and a knife sharpener."  He prompts retorts, "Sir either leave or I'm calling the police."  "Okay, okay, we are leaving."  I start to walk and then I stop and from a distance yell at Gretchen "HEY PRETTY LADY!  CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?"  My shadows tells another employee to call the police.  I figure it's time for me to go.  I scurry out of the store.  I turned to look and my shadow was standing at the door making sure I left.  I went down the block a ways and looked back again and he was gone.  I walked back up the other side of the building and got in my car.  A squad car arrived about 5 minutes later.  I decided I'd better get behind the tinted window.  I watched as my shadow met the cop at the door and  animatedly described me and my production.  He then pointed in the direction that I had went.  The cop got in his car and sped off in that direction.  About that time Gretchen and Gracie came out.  Gracie had been in the bathroom and missed the whole thing.  Gretchen meanwhile had been apologized to several times by several employees.  And when she got in the car, we both burst out into laughter.  We had just made up for a very tiring evening and we were now both in very good moods.  So when life throws you a hospital gown....just have fun with it.


PS:  The hospital gown can also be used for a game of Naughty Nurse and the Sponge Bath.  However, Gretchen wanted no part in wearing the gown.  (see what I did there:-)

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?

"Have You Ever Wanted to Punch Your Grandma in the Stomach?"  I know you're asking "What the hell is he talking about?"   Well, when I was in college, that question was carved into the desk in front of me.  I have never wanted to punch my grandma but what would cause a person to ponder such an idea has always intrigued me.  What would drive someone to punch their grandma in the stomach?  I have thought about it and I come up with my top five three reasons to punch your grandma in the stomach.

When I think of my Grandma Alice, I think of Sundays and Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and fresh picked green beans.  With that, I give you

Scenario 1:

1) You:  Grandma, I can't wait to have your fried chicken today! 
    G'ma: Oh, I decided to cook healthy for you.  We're having baked tofu! 
    You:  Oh, you really shouldn't have done that...(BLAMMMMO!, a right to the gut)

Thinking of my Grandma Clara, I remember the time when she allegedly gave a used empty renuzit as a gift because she thought it was a robot and the time she allegedly gave a box of maxi-pads as a gift.

Scenario 2:

2)  G'ma:  Happy Birthday.  I had you tickets to Led Zepplin: One Night Only on hold but I thought    what better gift than naming a star after you.
      You: You had tickets to Led Zepplin?  3 originals and a son?  And yyyyyyyou opted for a star?  That's wonderful ( KABLOOEY! a left to the sternum.)

Scenario 3:

3)  You:  Grandma, you put 3Gs on the Redskins +5 and they got thrashed 42 to zip.  Time to pay up.
      G'ma:  You know I don't have that laying around.
      You:  That's very un.......(POW! BOOM!  a left and a right to mid-section.)..fornuate



PS:  I meant to come up with 5 but I could only conjure up 3.  I hope they both forgive me.  Any thoughts or scenarios?  Put them in comments section.

Monday, April 1, 2013

In the Weeds

Taking the road less traveled seems at time more of a cliche than an actual choice of life.  I have gone down many paths in my life but most have left me lost in the tall grass.  Why when the weeds are knee deep do we not turn back?  It's like an internal Garmin that keeps telling you to go straight when you know that you should be taking a left.  You just want to scream out "Shut up you stupid bitch! I'm taking the freakin' left!"  But you don't and you end up lost in the African grasslands with a feline predator awaiting your tasty ass.  Devoured by your own lost sense of self-being.  Maybe the path is too clear and you just run the other way thinking "Nope, can't be that simple."   The truth is, it is that simple.  We are the ones who make it so damn hard, always asking "What if?"  Yeah, well what if the planet exploded today at Noon CDT?   Were you happy with the path that you were on?  I'm not saying everyone's path is a golden brick road but you do need heart, brains, and courage to stay on the path that you know is the right one.  Don't let someone else choose your path.  Not that advice can't help steer you back on course but the path must be chosen by you.  Hell, even bad advice may help you see things better.  You know when you hear crap advice.  But it really hits the fan, if you take that bad advice because you want validation to keep going the path that you have chosen knowing that it is the wrong path.  Why do we make it so damn difficult? 

Over the years I had all of these that I wanted to write about but I didn't.  I didn't even pursue writing as an option.  I had let it be drilled in my head that I needed to go out into the business world and make my mark.  Not by any one person but by the consumerism of this country.  (okay, I wanted money because I'm greedy and I like things)  Nevertheless, the writer side of me was buried  by the athlete and all business sides of me.  When in essence (ugh "in essence"--a term used by Prof Curran in World Civilization to 1500 at 8:00 am during my first semester.  No more 8 o'clocks for me after that class) they are all what make me...me.  So here I am, closing in on 40, at peace with my world for the first time.  My path is clear and I accept it and I am happy to be on it.  Even though I procrastinate and put off writing,( including two really good short stories that I just won't sit down and finish) I am very happy. 


PS:  If you were looking for an April Fool's Day post, sorry the jokes on you.  With this blog, you get my yin and my yang.   Today it was my yin, check back soon for my yang, it's going to be a good one.  Thanks for visiting my brain.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Writing is on the Wall

The other day I have the pleasant experience of visiting several public restrooms.  As I sat and pondered life, I read some of the poetic ramblings scribbled on the stall.  This made me think some of my favorites penned by the anonymous.  Here they are:(WARNING: The following will contain adult language, if you think that you be offended; STOP reading now!)

Here I sit all broken-hearted, I came to shit but only farted.
(extended version)  I 'm late for work no time to linger look out asshole here comes the finger

Why are you looking here?  The joke is in your hand.

Poop wuz here

I came for awhile to sit and shit but now feel so tired and dirty just waiting on 5:30

He who writes upon these walls
Rolls his shit in little balls
He who reads this clever wit
Eats those little balls of shit
And my favorite of all time:
 
Why did Mickey Mouse dump Minnie Mouse?  Because she was fucking goofy!
 
Got any good ones?  Leave them in the comments. 

 
PS:  The strangest thing that I've ever seen in a bathroom stall was on the door.  It was a "Booger Dart Board"  and apparently, it was extremely popular.  

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Two-Time Champ

I recently received noticed that I has won again.  No prize money, just the honor of being the best for the week.  The award was given by Kate from Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine ...with my morning quiet time.  I had won two weeks ago but missed last weeks. (I will explain why later)
So I added it to my trophy case on the side.  Please visit her site, it is so very good. (so jealous)  Anyway her "Caption This" photos are very funny and we do our best to make funny captions.  I actually started doing these first on Brett Minor's blog The Transformed Non-ConformistBrett, however, does not award winners, which I am fine with.  To name a winner or not is a tough call.  If you do name winner, there is some pride and promotion that come with it.  But, if a winner is not named, then no feelings are hurt and everyone has fun.   I'm good with either.  By the way Brett's blog is very good as well.  You can see all the past photos and their captions on both sites.

Kate even made the following from her picture and my caption and posted it to Pinterst:



I really enjoy these.  It plays to my specialty.  Quick Wit. I have always entertained family, friends and co-workers with it.   I believe it's my one true talent given by God.  Oh, I'm good at other things but being quick and making people laugh...that's what I do.  Thanks to Kate and Brett for allowing  me to use my talents.  I look forward to next week's photos.


PS: The reason I missed a week in Kate's competition was that I looked at the wrong picture.  When you visit her page you will see that she has a "Team Oasis" photo.  Somehow, I pulled that picture up as the "Caption This" photo.  I don't know how.  I'm an idiot sometimes.  Anyway, I couldn't find anything funny about it so I didn't participate.  Had I saw the correct picture, maybe I'd be sitting here as a three-peat champ.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Mocking Mocks

So "Jordan" and I have been waisting our time doing research for our upcoming fantasy baseball draft.  I know "fantasy baseball."  It's okay I feel the same way.  The last time I tried it was about 15 years ago and I made it to mid June before I was done.  This time, it's more of a competition between "Jordan" and myself. (no more quote marks, you get it's not his real name, I hope).

Now by research, what I mean is that we do mock drafts.  Basically they are fake drafts.  People do them different reasons:  see where players may fall, see what players are valued by others etc...

Jordan and I do it those reasons but more than that we do it to talk smack to others mockees.  Some people take this shit way to seriously.  The following are some of the quotes that have the some of the aforementioned mockees a little upset and some down right after our necks.

Ryan Braun is our favorite target.  Braun has been mentioned in PED discussions and Jordan and I have been all over him.

Jordan starts it off by naming his team "Braun's Back Pimples" ( a symptom of steroids)  Then:

Me:  He deserves a 50 game vaca.
J:  Make it 75.
Me:  Yeah, 75 games. One for each whitehead.
J: Once he is clean, his batting average is going to go down faster than Miss Teen Delaware.

About this time, others start to make comments as to our intent.   We ignore them.

Me:  I heard he has more whiteheads than a Klan rally.
J:  Yup, he's not allowed to take his shirt anymore unless he's in Mississippi.
Me:  I heard one whitehead was as big as Barry Bonds' head.
J:  I heard that when they popped it Mark McGwire fell out.

Now at this point we are either being called @#$%$%^%$ idiots ( ESPN blocks all curse words) or we are being ignored.

J:  Tough crowd
Me:  Yeah, I've seen less stiffs at a Viagra convention.
Me:  I heard Braun wanted to be in Milwaukee's sausage race but since he shrank his he was DQ'd.
J:  Yup, that Vienna sausage wouldn't have faired well anyway.
Me:  Braun is so dirty that he had Lance Armstrong pee for him.

More name calling follows. Some people drop out of the draft.

We move on to Oscar Pistorius  "The Blade Runner"

J:  I wonder if the Blade Runner's case has any legs.
Me:  I don't know.  I heard he was knee deep in blood.
J:  That's the most interesting thing that ever happened to a cricket bat.
Me:  Yup, she shouldn't have bought him Valentine's Day socks.

And with that, a full verbal assault has now commenced.

Now we don't spend all of our time ripping people.  We'll spend a good amount of time on quoting random baseball movies.  I figure most people don't get it or us but normally I'm wiping tears from my eyes because of laughing so hard.  It's just another competition to one up the other.  The above is just a small sampling.  Any day I expect an cease and desist from ESPN but none has come as of yet. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Valentine's Day Part Tre



This is third year that I've written about Valentine's Day.  Here are the first two installments.


Part 1

Part 2

I googled Valentine's Day gifts and I have to say "What a bunch of crap!"   With Gretchen at my side we tossed through the "unique Valentine's Day gifts" and this is what I've discovered:

Make anything in  heart shape and you can sell it as a Valentine's day gift.  Here are a few examples.
USB Cup Warmer 


A heart shaped USB cup warmer--because nothing says I love you than "Honey spend some more time on your computer than with me.  I know you have millions of more items to re-pin."



These are perfect for the wife who never listens to you

Diane von Furstenberg Heart-in-Ear Headphones





 

Apparently, I love you more when your drunk


instant wine chiller
instant wine chiller
personalized barley pitcher
Personalized Barley Pitcher
 










beer holster with bottle opener
Beer Holster with Bottle Opener






 
"Sweetheart, here is some place for all your bullshit!"
bull catchall





Now of all of the items that we looked at, Gretchen liked the chocolate covered berries the best.




gourmet dipped fancy berries
 
That computes in my brain as "I should by her a fondue pot.  That way she can have dipped fruit anytime she wants.  And for $49.95, I could probably buy her two."  After I expressed that to her, she tells me that I "need to take a gift giving class for Economist."  Translation  "YOU CHEAP ASS!!"
 
 
I think I should feel insulted but I don't.  I could go really cheap and make her a "ticket book" or a "mix tape". (if only I could find a tape recorder)
 
 
Anyway, as I do every year, I will go out and do my best.  And hopefully hit a homerun. ;-D
 



Tuesday, February 5, 2013

10,000: Part Two

Well looks like I'm gonna fall about 900 short of 10,000 hits in two years.  Oh well, I've always said I blog because I enjoy it.  Anyway as promised, the following are some of my favorite post during year 2.  Thanks for reading.  And please don't forget to comment.



Love and Passion

Causing a Scene

Did the Preacher Make You Angry? Good!

Maturing at 38

Gretchen's Nemesis Resurrects

McDumb-Ass

Blame it on the Barbie Orgy

I Was Attacked by a Killer Bee (For Real)

The Devil Made Me Do It

Why We Are Where We Are:  A Social Commentary Part One

Wow this was only through April.  I'm proud of all of these.  Feel free to click on any post.  There is plenty of more coming in year three.

Friday, February 1, 2013

10,000 in 2 years: Make It happen

February 9, 2013 will mark 2 years of In Shane's Brain.  It began with a rant on Facebook, now 2 years later I can't imagine not doing it.  When I read old post. I realize how good some of them are.  I know it sounds like I'm bragging but really I'm not.  I normally hate my writing and beat myself up over it.  This is what I've learned in the last 2 years when it comes to ISB:

1)  my potential death or personal injury seem to drive a lot of traffic to my blog. (I don't now how to take that)

2)  This blog has helped my other writing (hopefully this is the year)

3)  Often people want to tell me what to write about (some are good ideas, others not so much, however keep the ideas coming because writer's block is a real thing.)

4)  Gretchen loves the beautiful wife posts

5)  Some "friends" refuse to read my blog

6)  Some people think every post is about them

7) Trying to please my readers only leads to posts that I HATE


Anyway the point of the post is that I'm roughly 1100 hits away from 10,000.  I would very much like to have that by 2/9/2013.  It would be a great way to celebrate 2 years of rants, stories, poems, and observations.  I'm asking you, my readers to help promote my little blog.  My Top Ten posts are listed at the lef tside of this blog.  Below are some of my other favorites posts.  Thanks for reading and thanks for helping me get my 10,000 hits.

Lets Do School Lunch

Happy Birthday Grandma

More Than Just A Hat

Bang the Drum Slowly:  An Attempt to Revive A Flat-lined Baseball

Yes, It's True. It Only Lasted Two Minutes

The Grave Little Toaster

Pushing My Boulder

Laughter IS the Best Medicine

Andy and the Holiday Dinner

Doggie Styles

These are all from the first year.  I will post my faves from year two when I don't have any thing else to post  at a later date.  If you like what you read go ahead and look around and don't forget to leave some comments and tell me what you think.  Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Look Ma! No Brakes!

Last Friday night I was riding high after making 8 sales in the last 35 minutes of work.  I hadn't had any in the previous 9 hours and 10 minutes.  So I'm driving home talking to Gretchen on the phone, who was about 3 minutes ahead of me, telling her about the end of my day.  I pulled up to a stop light and I was just sitting there.  I adjusted my foot on the brake and heard a pop.  I then thought I felt the brake pedal get really soft.  I continued on my way home but kept testing the brakes to make sure I had some.  About 1/2 mile from home, I decided that I was just going nuts and that the brakes were just fine.  After being in the house for 10 minutes, I realized that I had left my phone in the car.  As I turned the corner to the driveway, I could see the puddle under the car.  I checked the brake fluid and it looked about 1/2 full.  I checked it about 20 minutes later and it was empty.  Now I have a tendency to get worked up about things like this.  But eventually I decided that there was nothing I could do about it and accepted that fact that I would have to get it fixed.  If only it was that easy. 

The next morning, I called my insurance's emergency line to get a tow.   This is how it went:

IML:  blah blah blah

Me:  Yeah, I need a tow.  I think I popped a brake line.

IML: Oh sorry hear that......Let me ask you "are you in a safe place"

Me:  Physically or mentally?

Nothing.  No, snicker, not even a sympathy chuckle.

IML:  Physical, sir.

Me:  Yes.

More questions followed but no jokes.  I wasn't going to that dry well twice.

IML:  blah blah...........I will call you back.

Ring Ring.

IML: Mr. Morgan were still trying to find a tow with a reasonable amount of response time.  We will call you back.

Ring Ring.

IML(new person): Blah blah........They will be there within the hour.

Okay now as that transpired other phones were being made as well. 

Brake shop #1  .... how can I help you?

Me:  I was calling to make sure you were open.

BS1:  Yeah, 8-12.   (It was 8:10. he didn't answer at 8:00).

Me:  Good.  I have one being towed to you.

BS1:  What's wrong with it?

Me:  I think I popped a brake line.

BS1:  We don't do brake lines.

I called them because they had done my back brakes a few months back.

Me:  So you have "Brakes" in your name but you don't do brake lines?

BS1:  Like I said.  We don't do brake lines.

Geez, tough crowd today.

Me:  Do you know who does?

BS1: ...... does.

Me:  Okay thanks.  ( in my you're an idiot tone)

BS2:  Blah blah

Me:  I was calling to see if you were open.

BS2:  Yeah, 7:30 - 2.

Me:  Great. I think I popped a brake line.

BS2:  Better get here quick.  I don't do much mechanic work on Saturday.

Me:  I have tow truck on the way. 

I thought "Damn.  Doesn't anybody work anymore."

The tow truck arrived.  I wait for the driver to get out of the truck but in seems like forever.  Finally he gets out and the following occurs:

Driver exits truck and walks to me.  He walks with a bad limp almost as if he has a wooden leg.  I don't dare ask.

Driver: Is dsjgbgshi upihg caufff a.

Me:  Excuse me.

Driver: Is this going to .....?

Me:  No.  they don't do brake lines.  It's going to......

Now the driver couldn't have been more stereotypical than this piece of work.  Add to the limp, a extremely rural Louisiana hick dialect and a dip of tobacco in his lip and you have my driver.  I could understand about 10% of what he said.  I responded "Uh-huh" to everything.

 After a quiet ride in the tow truck, we arrived at brake shop #2 at 9:30.  I explain that I had called about the brake line.  Then I told him how BS1 had recommend them.  The following monologue the occurred:

BS2:  I can't believe that guy would recommend someone to me.   That guy is a crook.  I sent someone to him.......$975.  He doesn't even need to work he has all sorts of money...............

I knew today was going to be rough but this day exceeding my expectations.

As I sat in the "waiting area" I thought about blogging "Scenes from the Repair shop,"  because I was the only one there without a mustache. And that included two women.

The owner/manager liked to talk.  In my roughly 4 hours of being there, I heard him run down about half of the people in town.  I don't know how he stays in business.  I know I ain't going back.  In the end and $477 later I get to drive home.  Luckily, it was payday.  Unluckily, it looks like a lot of Ramen Noodles in my future.  ( Chopped Challenge is coming)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Special Investigation--Behind the Hoax

ISB has been digging deep in investigation into the whole Manti hoax. The following is what we have discovered:(allegedly)

In or around late November 2009, Manti made a called home stating how lonely he had become.  Granny, feeling bad for her favorite grand son hatched a plot to make Manti much happier.  A fake Facebook  account, a stolen picture and voice altering device later, Lennay was born.  After about a year and  half Granny determined that Manti was getting "way to infatuated" with Lennay. The late phone calls that lasted eight hours were having to be taken in 2 hour shifts by members the of family  A twist had to be created.  The car crash did not persuade Manti to move on but instead made him that much more devoted.  So, Granny gave cancer a try which only drove Manti deeper into the web.  As granny and the family were putting more effort into ending the love, Granny died, thus killing Lennay as well.   After causing such sorrow to Manti, a decision was made by the family to bring Lennay back (a la Bobby Ewing) and they had her call Manti.  However, Manti did not fall for it. Manti instead promptly reported the call  to ND officials.  Weeks after keeping under wraps, the hoax story broke.

ISB's phone calls to Granny have not been returned.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Star Trek and Fathers

"Now, your father was captain of a Starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better."--Captain Christopher Pike -STAR TREK(2009)

This got me to thinking.  Am I doing better than my father?  He set the bar pretty damn high.  I would be doing good if I could reach half that high.

That led me to thinking about:  Does every son strive to do better than his father?  Take sports "heroes" that reach levels that their sons are unable to attain.  How do they feel about that?  I would think they would hate being compared to their father.  I know that for my entire life, I have been compared to my twin brother.  And I know that sucks!  We are different people and let's leave it at that.  But back to doing better than dear old dad.  I have always thought that I want to leave the world a better place than when I entered it.  How that would be measured, I have no clue. Same  with fathers, what kind of measurements would you use: money? children? titles?  wives?

What about sons who never knew their fathers?  How would they judge if they were better or not?    Then there are sons whose fathers are abusive, alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals or all of the above.  I suppose they may see that topping their fathers isn't that tough.   But do they choose to top in being better people or worse people?  So many questions and not one good answer.

I guess in the end as fathers, we can only show sons how to be men; to set the example and hope they follow.  As we watch them grow, we can judge how good of job we did as we hopefully watch them do same for their sons.  As for my father, I not striving to do better, I'm just hoping to catch up.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Comedy of Aeros

*Based on a true story


     Jordan blamed himself.  It was his fault that they were running late but he didn't care.  He was hungry.  So, when he saw the Wendy's at the edge of the terminal gate, he darted in. It was the Fourth of July and he and his fiancee, Bridgett, were headed to England.  What better way to celebrate the American independence than to go to the loser's home turf and rub it in their face.  However, since it was Bridgett's homeland other activities had been planned. 

Jordan had been so busy with his last second packing and list checking, that he had forgotten to eat.  Due to traffic, his 20 minute jaunt to the airport turned into 95 minute, curse laden fiasco.  The Wendy's, Jordan saw as a gift from above.   Being that he considered himself famished, he ordered the double value meal.  His plan was to carry it on the plane and eat it.  As they approached the terminal, the white-haired agent shook his head no and said "Can't take in, son."  Jordan now faced a dilemma:  eat and possibly miss his flight or starve and guarantee Bridgett wouldn't kill him.  Then something incredible happen.  Jordan took his burger in 3 bites, drank his fries as if he had been in the desert for days and then took a breath and swigged his large Dr. Pepper with one huge slurp.  It was the stuff that brings tears to eyes of competitive eaters.  Bridgett, on the other hand, looked on in total disbelief and utter horror and disgust.  Jordan looked at Bridgett, shrugged his shoulders, grabbed his carry-on and proceeded through the gate.  Bridgett rolled her eyes.

After being in the air for about an hour and a half, an announcement was made that dinner would soon be served.  Bridgett again looked at Jordan with a look only a woman could give.  Jordan had no response other than, "It's gonna be a long flight."  As the flight attendant pushed the dinner cart down the aisle, the young couple debated which to choose.  Jordan thought the beef and rice sounded tasty while Bridgett chose then lighter fare of chicken and rice.
 After dinner had been eaten and plates removed, the cabin lights were dimmed.  The third seat in their row was empty so Bridgett curled up in the two seats and rested her head with a pillow and Jordan's armrest.  As she dozed off, Jordan decided he would close his eyes and listen to his music on his iPod.  Later,  somewhere between Love Gun and Beth it happened.  "Grrrrmmpphhhhfftttt," went Jordan's stomach followed by an even louder "GRRRRRRMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHFFTTTTTTTTTT!"  Bridgett, being at ear level with Jordan's stomach, looked up at Jordan an asked "Are you okay?"  Jordan looked down at he and with his infamous sarcasm replied, "No!"  Bridgett inquired again, "What's the matter?" Jordan again looked down at her with a face that read "Do you really have to ask?"  Bridgett rolled her eyes again and said "Just don't fart on me." She then rolled over to go back to sleep. This wasn't Bridgett's first experience with Jordan's traveling tummy troubles.
 Upon Jordan's first time of visiting his future in-laws, they had arrived to an empty house. Jordan had taken the opportunity to take liberty with the lavatory with a performance that resembled Three Cheers for the Red, White and Blue.  After several encores, he emerged to find the 3 absent family members sitting at the kitchen table.  The future father-in-law looking at his watch spoke up, "Damn, five more minutes and I would have won."   Tonight, however, Jordan had a new dilemma on his hands.  "Maybe it will go away," he prayed to himself.


30 minutes later and somewhere over the Atlantic, Jordan knew it wasn't going away.  He made his to the bathroom at the front of the plane.  To his surprise, there was a line four deep.  He took his place at the end of the line.  As he stood there, the guy in front of him turned and ask him "Beef and rice?"  Jordan responded, "Huh?"  "Did you have the beef and rice?" he asked again.  Jordan shook his head "yes."  The guy then took his finger and waived it back and forth, signaling that the others in line had had the same.  The stranger then commented "You're lucky.  It was six deep when I got up here."  About that time, the bathroom door opened,  Jordan squinted his eyes because of the light and he saw the occupant emerge.  Unfortunately, all of the pent up air rushed out to greet the world, as well.  The stench felt like sledge to the face from Thor, himself.  This chain of events would repeat itself time and time again. 

Jordan had thought about crossing over to the bathroom on the other side of the plane.  But upon further review he noticed that that line had not moved.  At the precise moment, a portly gentleman in the range of 400 to 450 pounds came forth from the light.  The look on the faces of those in that line could only be described as complete devastation.  Jordan knew that he better stay where he was because he was pretty sure that a "Hiroshima Reenactment" had just occurred.  Minutes later, Jordan and the stranger were the only two left in their line.  Looking around the cabin, Jordan noticed a small Indian fellow that was sitting in the front row near the bathroom.  What caught his eye was that the guy had not only finished his beef and rice but had just polished off his wife's and was starting on his son's.  Jordan wandered when the guy had eaten last.  Jordan elbowed the stranger in front him and said, "Better be happy were in front of this guy!" as he pointed toward the hungry passenger.  The bathroom door opened again and the wafting air almost brought tears to Jordan's eyes.

As Jordan waited, he realized that his predicament must be getting more dire as he had began shifting his feet swaying foot to foot.  And then the thought occurred to him "I don't want to go in there."  But the gurgling bellows from deep within him told him he didn't have a choice.  The stranger came out and with the biggest look of relief that one could have.  Jordan looked down, took a deep breath and went in.  The bathroom was tiny and with Jordan being a rather thick individual, made it that much smaller.  Knowing that at least 7 people had sat there before him, he lined the "toilet" with several layers of toilet paper and then took his seat.

Jordan stepped out of the bathroom as if he had conquered the world.  He saw the line had grown to 4 deep once again.  He also noticed the Indian fellow had finished his third portion but now had one hand on his head and the other on his stomach.  Jordan couldn't help but smirk.  He returned to his seat.  Bridgett was sleeping but awoke when he sat down.  "You okay?" she asked.  "Yeah," he responded.  "I should've have had the chicken."  With that, Jordan put his headphones back on and he and his tummy had a peaceful flight thereafter.