Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Grave Little Toaster

Not too many things can compete with the perfect piece of toast with the perfect amount of butter on it.  I like lots of butter on my toast.  However, I don't make toast very often.  The reason is that our toasters have been terrible.  I know "how can a toaster be terrible?". 

To explain this, I have to take you back to the years 1994 and 1995.  Gretchen and I had gotten engaged in October and the  wedding planning had begun.  After graduating college in May, I moved back home.  Now if you're from Mt Vernon then you know that there ain't a whole lot for couples to do.  Regardless, one of things that we did enjoy was go to Jolly-Time arcade at the mall and play skeeball and this tic-tac-toe game.  At some point, our ticket collection had grown and we started looking at all of the bounty that we could get.  Most of it was junk.  But alas, we couldn't let the tickets go to waste.  On one visit, we discovered that we were pretty close to be able to get this black toaster. After all, every young couple needs a toaster. 

So we won our toaster and stashed it away for its coming out party that would soon come.  I'm not sure when the toaster was first used but it didn't take long to learn that this was no ordinary toaster.  This toaster was the offspring of Satan himself.  It would undercook your toast, so you would turn dial for darker toast. Then it would burn your toast.  Your bread would sometimes get stuck in it.  Then the ultimate, it began shooting sparks at us.  However, every once in a while it would work fine.  Freaking Cybil toaster. 

So you're wondering why did we keep this POST (the t is for toaster).  Well, how often do you make toast?  So, the years passed.  Oddly enough it is believed that we kept this toaster for nine years. NINE YEARS!!  Did we go out and buy a new fancy fully-loaded-top-of-line pimped out toaster? Nope.
We take my wife's parents toaster out of their rummage sale items and put our Demon possessed one in it's place.  So long Sparky!  Now, the "new" toaster had wider slots for bagels and a setting for pop-tarts.  Ahhh an upgrade.  Bullllllllll-shitttttttttt.  This toaster is a slightly less schizophrenic than the last.  Pop-tarts and bread fall off the the racks an get stuck. It never cooks the toast right, either to light or burnt.  The only thing it hasn't done is shoot sparks at us.  But I think it just biding it's time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.  I know you're asking....  SEVEN!! Seven years we had Cybil's cousin with us.  We need serious help.  Why can we not part with these sorry excuse for toasters?  I guess we never think about it until we make toast.  Even after 16 years of this torment. That ends today!

Recently, I have been checking out new toasters.  No more arcade toasters and no more rummage sale toasters.  I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to give those little bastards the work out of their life.  And the one that's left standing, is the one that's going home with me.  Finally, I will have that perfect piece of toast that my taste buds have craved.


  1. 16 years is too long my friend!! I had a toaster that lasted 10 years because I never used it. My husband and I got married and we kept his. His toaster was missing various plastic pieces including the lever. No plastic thingy on the lever makes it hard to push down. Because toaster is never on the "list," I never purchased a new one until recently. We were at Lowe's and I saw one so I picked it up. PIECE OF JUNK!! My kids have toast at least three times a week. Please let me know how your toaster shopping goes. I am jaded after just one purchase is 16 years. Be strong Shane the future of crispy bread delight lies on YOU! - Kelly Ellis

  2. Love it, but I'm pretty sure Cybil was chrome or at least silver. I think we have some tickets in the car from Nu Bowl Lanes, maybe they have toasters, or we could use a new blender--Gretchen