Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Comedy of Aeros

*Based on a true story

     Jordan blamed himself.  It was his fault that they were running late but he didn't care.  He was hungry.  So, when he saw the Wendy's at the edge of the terminal gate, he darted in. It was the Fourth of July and he and his fiancee, Bridgett, were headed to England.  What better way to celebrate the American independence than to go to the loser's home turf and rub it in their face.  However, since it was Bridgett's homeland other activities had been planned. 

Jordan had been so busy with his last second packing and list checking, that he had forgotten to eat.  Due to traffic, his 20 minute jaunt to the airport turned into 95 minute, curse laden fiasco.  The Wendy's, Jordan saw as a gift from above.   Being that he considered himself famished, he ordered the double value meal.  His plan was to carry it on the plane and eat it.  As they approached the terminal, the white-haired agent shook his head no and said "Can't take in, son."  Jordan now faced a dilemma:  eat and possibly miss his flight or starve and guarantee Bridgett wouldn't kill him.  Then something incredible happen.  Jordan took his burger in 3 bites, drank his fries as if he had been in the desert for days and then took a breath and swigged his large Dr. Pepper with one huge slurp.  It was the stuff that brings tears to eyes of competitive eaters.  Bridgett, on the other hand, looked on in total disbelief and utter horror and disgust.  Jordan looked at Bridgett, shrugged his shoulders, grabbed his carry-on and proceeded through the gate.  Bridgett rolled her eyes.

After being in the air for about an hour and a half, an announcement was made that dinner would soon be served.  Bridgett again looked at Jordan with a look only a woman could give.  Jordan had no response other than, "It's gonna be a long flight."  As the flight attendant pushed the dinner cart down the aisle, the young couple debated which to choose.  Jordan thought the beef and rice sounded tasty while Bridgett chose then lighter fare of chicken and rice.
 After dinner had been eaten and plates removed, the cabin lights were dimmed.  The third seat in their row was empty so Bridgett curled up in the two seats and rested her head with a pillow and Jordan's armrest.  As she dozed off, Jordan decided he would close his eyes and listen to his music on his iPod.  Later,  somewhere between Love Gun and Beth it happened.  "Grrrrmmpphhhhfftttt," went Jordan's stomach followed by an even louder "GRRRRRRMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHFFTTTTTTTTTT!"  Bridgett, being at ear level with Jordan's stomach, looked up at Jordan an asked "Are you okay?"  Jordan looked down at he and with his infamous sarcasm replied, "No!"  Bridgett inquired again, "What's the matter?" Jordan again looked down at her with a face that read "Do you really have to ask?"  Bridgett rolled her eyes again and said "Just don't fart on me." She then rolled over to go back to sleep. This wasn't Bridgett's first experience with Jordan's traveling tummy troubles.
 Upon Jordan's first time of visiting his future in-laws, they had arrived to an empty house. Jordan had taken the opportunity to take liberty with the lavatory with a performance that resembled Three Cheers for the Red, White and Blue.  After several encores, he emerged to find the 3 absent family members sitting at the kitchen table.  The future father-in-law looking at his watch spoke up, "Damn, five more minutes and I would have won."   Tonight, however, Jordan had a new dilemma on his hands.  "Maybe it will go away," he prayed to himself.

30 minutes later and somewhere over the Atlantic, Jordan knew it wasn't going away.  He made his to the bathroom at the front of the plane.  To his surprise, there was a line four deep.  He took his place at the end of the line.  As he stood there, the guy in front of him turned and ask him "Beef and rice?"  Jordan responded, "Huh?"  "Did you have the beef and rice?" he asked again.  Jordan shook his head "yes."  The guy then took his finger and waived it back and forth, signaling that the others in line had had the same.  The stranger then commented "You're lucky.  It was six deep when I got up here."  About that time, the bathroom door opened,  Jordan squinted his eyes because of the light and he saw the occupant emerge.  Unfortunately, all of the pent up air rushed out to greet the world, as well.  The stench felt like sledge to the face from Thor, himself.  This chain of events would repeat itself time and time again. 

Jordan had thought about crossing over to the bathroom on the other side of the plane.  But upon further review he noticed that that line had not moved.  At the precise moment, a portly gentleman in the range of 400 to 450 pounds came forth from the light.  The look on the faces of those in that line could only be described as complete devastation.  Jordan knew that he better stay where he was because he was pretty sure that a "Hiroshima Reenactment" had just occurred.  Minutes later, Jordan and the stranger were the only two left in their line.  Looking around the cabin, Jordan noticed a small Indian fellow that was sitting in the front row near the bathroom.  What caught his eye was that the guy had not only finished his beef and rice but had just polished off his wife's and was starting on his son's.  Jordan wandered when the guy had eaten last.  Jordan elbowed the stranger in front him and said, "Better be happy were in front of this guy!" as he pointed toward the hungry passenger.  The bathroom door opened again and the wafting air almost brought tears to Jordan's eyes.

As Jordan waited, he realized that his predicament must be getting more dire as he had began shifting his feet swaying foot to foot.  And then the thought occurred to him "I don't want to go in there."  But the gurgling bellows from deep within him told him he didn't have a choice.  The stranger came out and with the biggest look of relief that one could have.  Jordan looked down, took a deep breath and went in.  The bathroom was tiny and with Jordan being a rather thick individual, made it that much smaller.  Knowing that at least 7 people had sat there before him, he lined the "toilet" with several layers of toilet paper and then took his seat.

Jordan stepped out of the bathroom as if he had conquered the world.  He saw the line had grown to 4 deep once again.  He also noticed the Indian fellow had finished his third portion but now had one hand on his head and the other on his stomach.  Jordan couldn't help but smirk.  He returned to his seat.  Bridgett was sleeping but awoke when he sat down.  "You okay?" she asked.  "Yeah," he responded.  "I should've have had the chicken."  With that, Jordan put his headphones back on and he and his tummy had a peaceful flight thereafter.