Saturday, July 30, 2011

Yes, It's true. It lasted only 2 minutes

2 Minutes was all I got.  2 minutes of bliss.  I was sitting on the love seat when it occurred.  I almost missed it.  I looked into the kitchen and saw the three of them.  All three of my kids in a 2 foot circle eating popcorn and enjoying each other.  I whispered to Gretchen for her to look.  So, we sat there and enjoyed that peaceful moment.  I could have watched that for hours but alas it ended and the sibling squabbles resumed.  But what a moment!  I wonder why we can't get more of them.  Why is it in our nature to argue and fight with our siblings?   That peaceful moment was so wonderful for all of us.  It kind of reminds me of a moment that occurred about a year and a half ago.  No one planned it.  It just happened.  My mom, dad, sister, brother, and myself were sitting in the living room talking.  No spouses, no children, just the original five.  Another enjoyable moment.  But it too ended as others came in. 

When it comes down to it, in the end it's all about family.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Is it me or is TV overrun with commercials advertising sex solutions?   You can't go a day without seeing ads for "boner pills."  I think even in my younger days, I would have found a 36 hour erection a little excessive. It makes me wonder how much money is actually spent on being able to perform such acts.  It's not just for men anymore.  The drive for a "female Viagra" couldn't be any more in demand.  And don't forget about the lube and rubber commercials.  Good Lord, you'd think Americans were sex-crazed lunatics with limp wieners and cotton mouth vaginae. 

But then in turn you can't talk about sex in public.  It's the bi-polarism of American.  We want "A lady in the street but a freak in the bed"--Usher, Lil' John, Ludacris.   Why is sex such a taboo topic in public?  It's such an important part of life and relationships.  Not to mention we all got here by that means. 

Sex is talked about at work some but done so with caution because no one wants to offend somebody and get a harassment suit filed against them.  I think the idea of "What goes on in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom"  may have some validity.  I mean I don't want to hear about what you and your spouse did last night and I can't imagine sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner and my Dad saying  "Hey, speaking of stuffing let me tell you about your Mom last night."  Thanks for that, I will never eat again. 

But then if a couple is experiencing some issue in that department, who do they go to.  Would you go ask your parents?  Ewwww. Nooo!  Your Priest?  No offense but what would he know.    Therapist?  "Tell me about your mother."  "Umm yeah, I'm gonna need some of those pills now."  I guess there are always books and videos.  Books are hard to read with the lights turned off, so that's no good.   And can you imagine a young virginal couple trying to get some help and they order a video but instead of getting an instruction video they receive a triple x hardcore no holds barred video.  Geez, that may scare them enough to never have sex.   

Speaking of porn, how much money is spent on this?  Do we really need billboards on the interstate telling us that bascially we can get new porn every 90 miles.  Just long enough to get through the DVD you just bought.  How, with all the porn available on the internet, are those places still in business.  I guess the question should be how much porn and/or sex toys does one need.  ( if there is a need at all)

Lingerie, videos, books, magazines, pills, lubricant, condoms, prostitutes, birth control: look at much money is spent on sex?  And yet still we can't talk about it publicly.  Although, we can impeach a President and ask him questions of a sexual nature and broadcast it for all to see.  Hypocrites, the lot of you.

Regardless, I think it's safe to say that sex is here to stay.  I guess, in the end America, is a "buy-sexual" country.  I'm not sure how much is spent on sex but I'm guessing it could pay the national debt.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Grave Little Toaster

Not too many things can compete with the perfect piece of toast with the perfect amount of butter on it.  I like lots of butter on my toast.  However, I don't make toast very often.  The reason is that our toasters have been terrible.  I know "how can a toaster be terrible?". 

To explain this, I have to take you back to the years 1994 and 1995.  Gretchen and I had gotten engaged in October and the  wedding planning had begun.  After graduating college in May, I moved back home.  Now if you're from Mt Vernon then you know that there ain't a whole lot for couples to do.  Regardless, one of things that we did enjoy was go to Jolly-Time arcade at the mall and play skeeball and this tic-tac-toe game.  At some point, our ticket collection had grown and we started looking at all of the bounty that we could get.  Most of it was junk.  But alas, we couldn't let the tickets go to waste.  On one visit, we discovered that we were pretty close to be able to get this black toaster. After all, every young couple needs a toaster. 

So we won our toaster and stashed it away for its coming out party that would soon come.  I'm not sure when the toaster was first used but it didn't take long to learn that this was no ordinary toaster.  This toaster was the offspring of Satan himself.  It would undercook your toast, so you would turn dial for darker toast. Then it would burn your toast.  Your bread would sometimes get stuck in it.  Then the ultimate, it began shooting sparks at us.  However, every once in a while it would work fine.  Freaking Cybil toaster. 

So you're wondering why did we keep this POST (the t is for toaster).  Well, how often do you make toast?  So, the years passed.  Oddly enough it is believed that we kept this toaster for nine years. NINE YEARS!!  Did we go out and buy a new fancy fully-loaded-top-of-line pimped out toaster? Nope.
We take my wife's parents toaster out of their rummage sale items and put our Demon possessed one in it's place.  So long Sparky!  Now, the "new" toaster had wider slots for bagels and a setting for pop-tarts.  Ahhh an upgrade.  Bullllllllll-shitttttttttt.  This toaster is a slightly less schizophrenic than the last.  Pop-tarts and bread fall off the the racks an get stuck. It never cooks the toast right, either to light or burnt.  The only thing it hasn't done is shoot sparks at us.  But I think it just biding it's time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.  I know you're asking....  SEVEN!! Seven years we had Cybil's cousin with us.  We need serious help.  Why can we not part with these sorry excuse for toasters?  I guess we never think about it until we make toast.  Even after 16 years of this torment. That ends today!

Recently, I have been checking out new toasters.  No more arcade toasters and no more rummage sale toasters.  I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to give those little bastards the work out of their life.  And the one that's left standing, is the one that's going home with me.  Finally, I will have that perfect piece of toast that my taste buds have craved.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Watching My Wife

Close your eyes and you might miss it.  Close your mind and you will miss it.  Like a slow motion scene in a movie, I watched my wife walking towards me the other day.  Her radiance shining as it did so many years ago when we were still in puppy love.  Her beauty, not lost in those years.  I have always enjoyed watching my wife.  Her reactions to things always make me laugh.  Here are a few of my favorites moments: 

1) 1992, Universal Studios, King Kong ride-- As we are riding the "subway" through the ride, there was a part where King Kong is right beside you and reaches for you .  When this happened, Gretchen, jumped and grabbed my arm ( as if I could stop a giant ape from snatching her up and whisking her away to the top of  the Empire State Building).  Anyway it was re-shown on video after the ride.  It was funny, sweet and loving all rolled together.  

2) Anytime, Anywhere, USA, Movie Night- If you have ever watched movies with me, you know that I have an annoying knack of figuring out the ending, sometimes 10 minutes into it.  Nevertheless, there have been at least two occasions when watching biographies that I knew the outcome (because I'm full of useless knowledge) and she had no idea what was going to happen.  The movie Eight Seconds and the TV show Behind the Music: Marvin Gaye.  Just watching her disbelief and sorrow could bring my eyes to water.  Her caring nature is evident in all she does. 

3)  December 1992, San Francisco Airport, At the gate- Gretchen about breaks my neck as I walk out of the gate after landing from a four hour flight with giant bear hug.  Her family had moved to California 4 months earlier and it was the first time seeing each other.  My response "Okay, okay I'm here."

4) Any day, Anywhere, USA, Anytime- I am a smartass.  I can't help it.  I just am.  Quite often when Gretchen ask me to do something I will anwer in the shittiest tone "No!"  Evertytime she will look at me in total shock and disbelief and then I burst out into laughter.  Ah, yes, 20+ years and she still falls for it.  Goodtimes!!

5) June 2010, Baton Rouge, Prescott Road,  The plan was for me to drive the van back to Mt Vernon and for her to ride the bus to work until I got back down there.  However, the bus stop was over a mile from her work. And the walk would have been through a not so good part of town.  Devastated at this development, she looked at me in despair.  What choice did I have?  Once her protector always her protector.  "You keep the van down here and I will fly home."

6) Novemeber 3, 1995, Our Wedding Day, Down the Aisle-  No more beautiful sight than her walking towards me.

I could go on for hours.  But I won't.  So many memories and so many more to come. 

I wish could have work in the Simon Birch story but it didn't work here.  Maybe another time

Saturday, July 9, 2011

"Do you believe in friendship, Wyatt Earp?"

Doc Holliday: Do you believe in friendship, Wyatt Earp?
Wyatt Earp: [nods head silently]
Doc Holliday: So do I. Do you have many friends?
Wyatt Earp: [shakes head 'no' silently]...from the movie Wyatt Earp 

Doc Holliday: I know it's not always easy being my friend, but I'll be there when you need me...from the movie Tombstone

Same person, two different movies, two profound statements regarding friendship.

In this day and age of Facebook, Twitter, and texting, the definition of friendship is now in question.  On my Facebook page it list 167 "friends." That's down from 350.  (Sorry if you got cut but my ADD and OCD couldn't take that much blabbering about mindless things cluttering my page).   But come on.  Really?  Friends?  When is the last time we hung out or talked for hours? (if we ever did)  So "friends" is stretching it.  The way I see it, Facebook has 3 purposes:  keeping friends in touch, stalking, and snooping. 

To answer the above question,  Yes, I believe in friendship.  No, I don't have many friends,    "I didn't have six friends in high school.  I ain't got six friends now!"...Chris Rock

I get along with everybody.  I have made few enemies in my life.  ( Yeah, I know it hard to believe someone doesn't like me.  But they are out there)  Regardless, if you have made me your friend then you are my friend for life.  There are friends I haven't seen in over 20 years, but they are still my friend.  And if they came to my door, we'd pick up where we left off.  Friends come and go and that's just part of life.

Where have all the good friends gone?  My wife has really good friends.  They stay in touch quite often, send each other cards and even tell each that they love them.  As a man I can't imagine doing the last two but maybe we should start.  I remember trying to stay in touch with some friends. But I quit, as it seemed I was doing all the work to stay in touch.  As an adult we have so much going on that picking up the phone and calling someone is way at the bottom of the list.  Facebook has helped but even it has tailed off quite a bit.

And while I have been far from perfect in this life, if a friend needed something I would be there.  Yes, I will say it.  I am a great friend.  Now the question becomes "then why don't you have many friends?" The answer is "I have no f#ing clue."  I guess it comes down to the fact that I like everyone.  There are people I try to avoid because they are annoying but I don't dislike them.  So liking everyone creates a giant pool to choose from. A bit over whelming.   But people who are snooty, elitist or just judgmental gravitate to those with similar feelings or taste.  That makes making friends easier.  That's not me.

I'm not whining.  I am happy with my life.  I would like to be able to hang out with some friends.  But I don't want someone calling 6 times a day, sending 45 text, writing on my Facebook page, and dropping by my house on a daily basis. I do not want to sucked into some soap opera drama that I need daily updates on.  If you have a problem and need help, I can do that.  Need help moving? Sure.  Need a baby sitter? Uh, okay.  Dog sitter? You're pushing it but okay.  Someone to vouch for where abouts to the police or spouse when I don't know where you were?  Nope you got the wrong guy.

So to recap.  Great friend. Don't stalk me.  Be a good friend back.  No drama. And I'll be you're friend for life.