Monday, February 27, 2012

I Was Attacked By a Killer Bee (For Real)

So after blogging today I did some landscaping or as some say "mowed the grass."  Now for my northern friends, down south we have these things called "fire ants".  They like to bite you and the bites itch for weeks.  I bought some ant spray that kills the colony.  Okay here is where I stepped into the "Twilight Zone".  I mow over two ant hills.   Then I get the ant spray and I spray the first hill.  I know mean right.  I don't care, I hate the little bastards.  Next, I start dousing the second hill.  I couldn't see it but a bee started buzzing.  I started swatting at him.  Then he starts dive bombing me.  I don't know how insects antennae and communication work but he seemed pretty pissed that I was picking on these ants.  My arms are just a swingin' because this bee is relentless.  He then disappears but I can hear him.  It somehow occurs to me that he's on my hat and I flip my hat off.  There he was, either stinging the crap out of my bill of hat repeatedly or doing his best dog humping a leg impression.  Over and over and over.  I try to kick him off onto the ground but I whiffed.  Now he is really pissed.  He comes after me and I start swinging again.  I then take off running into the house.  Umm new problem.  I can still hear his buzzing!!  I rip off my shirt and there he is on the back of it.  (You can't make this stuff up)  I kind of shake my shirt and he flies off.  I have no idea where he was.  I get a flyswatter but I never see him to swat him.  I go back outside to finish the lawn.  As I'm mowing I discover two other ant hills.  I get my spray once more first a small hill and then the larger hill.  And I'll be damned if the bee/hornet thing was back after my ass.  Back inside I run.  Yup, you guessed that bastard is on my shirt again.  I rip it off again ( control yourself ladies)  shake it and grab the flyswatter.  We then start to battle: he and his aerial assault and me and my anti-air defense. He dive bombs me a couple times as I whiff at him. Finally he lands on a wall.  I get my first chance to end this for good.  Nope.  Not quick enough.  After flying around he lands on the kitchen light and with one swing, it was over.  "Take that Bitch!" I yell in celebration.  I scooped him up with the flyswatter to get a look at my dead foe.  He look like a bee except where you expect to see yellow it was orange.  Anyway, I won.

Every detail in this story is true.  All I can figure is that whatever insects do to talk to one another, this bee pick up on their terror and came in to help.  Call me crazy if you want, but that is the way it went down.


  1. Second grade: My family takes a trip to B.R. La. We were visiting family. As you know, its a "fun" activity to go into the blistering heat and fish for crawdads. On the way to the water from the car, I step into a fireant hill. My mother was previously warned about the good time that would follow. So she stripped me naked in about five seconds. I was fire ant free but naked on the side of the road. Soon I was wimpering in th car dreaming of Il. for the only time in my life. Later that week my sister was attacked by a bee. It also dove and attacked.
    K. Ellis

  2. I was in Phoenix AZ and trying to find my way back to my grandmothers house. I was 12 years old and every road looked the same. It was 116 degrees outside and I felt like I was going to die of heat exhaustion. I sat on the curb to rest under a tree and my skin started burning all over. I was flailing around in the street and some old man came out of his house and started spraying me with his hose. I thought he was crazy, but he was trying to help. He knew that I was being attacked by fire ants.

    He got them all off of me and helped me find my way back, but I was miserable for days.