The (Non)Lawnmower

I was married in 1995.  Since then I have had at least ten lawn mowers in that time.  All of which, have failed me except one. And that one, I gave it away when I moved. It was from Sears.  I had bought it after buying a "guarantee first pull start" from Walmart.  One mow with that and it went back to Walmart.  "One pull" my ass.  Any (insert name here) could have been used. Husky, Lawnboy, Yard Machine, Craftsmen...I've had them all.  I feel that there may be some conspiracy by Briggs and Stratton to drive me insane.  Now, to be fair to the manufactures of these pieces of equipment, I am mechanically inept.  With that said, I am smart enough to figure things out. Unfortunately, when it comes to repair, figuring things out normally doesn't do me any good.  I can explain to people what these devil's creations are doing or not doing and I have a good idea of what it should be doing.  My problem, is that with being a guy, other guys expect you to know mechanical jargon.  I'm usually lost two words into their monologue.  So, I opt to try to fix them on my own.

On one occasion, I had the top of a lawn mower off. I was examining why the pull cord wasn't starting the engine.  After looking at it for awhile, I plastic part that holds the cord (whatever it may be called) and kept the top off to see what it wasn't doing.  I pull the cord and the piece comes flying off  like a Frisbee and hits right in the middle of my fore head.  I pick the whole mower up and launched it into the nearest tree.  Did I learn my lesson?  Apparently not.  I spent part of today "working" on my latest mower.  It starts and 4 seconds later shuts off.  I know it has to do with gas flow but beyond that I'm lost. Everything "looks" right. I know if I call someone they will just lose me in no time.  So, I end up pissed off at the world.  Then I came and watch my Louisville Cardinals and they are not playing well.  That always raises my frustrations.  I just want to reach through the screen.  They win.  Phew.  Feeling Better.  My neighbor offers his mower for today.  Okay the yard is done.  It is a much better day than 5 hours ago.  I'm still debating what to do with my current mower.  I think one day, I will do to a lawnmower what Paul Newman did as Earl K. Long in the movie Blaze.  But until that day comes,  I will continue to let them win.